Potential.

I sometimes whinge and whine about being single; most of my friends are in serious relationships if not married, and I sometimes feel like The Last Single Girl (hey, that could be a good title for a movie... cast me!).  But you know what's awesome about being single?

Dates.

Yes!  The actual act of going on dates almost always fades out of a long-term relationship, and even in those that deem "date nights" important, the need to impress each other fades.  Which is a nice thing, comfort is great, but sometimes it's fun to take a chance, to feel nervous, and to have no clue what you're getting into.

Especially when the date hits it out of the park.

Cut to my Sunday.  Now, y'all, I'm telling you this because I'm not embarrassed or ashamed, I'm just 29 and living in Los Angeles -- I'm on eHarmony.  And I'd been emailing with this particular guy, we'll call him B, for about a week.  I'm a big proponent of meeting relatively early on because there's only so much you can tell from emails and a few pictures; to feel someone's energy & real compatibility, you have to spend some time with them.

So I suggested meeting & he suggested LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Art).  Perfect.

We met in the forest of streetlamps in front of the building; he looked like his pictures and bought my admission.  The museum was pretty full, which aided our mutual non-reverence; we weren't being disrespectful, but were there to enjoy ourselves & immediately feel into an easy dialogue making up silly stories about the Indian art we were looking at. 

We discovered a Jerry Springer plot in a painting of a nobleman with his handmaidens, and identified India's Siskel & Ebert of the 1700s.  We were cracking ourselves up.  We tried to be quiet, but noticed a few people giggling around us, and one couple even joined in & added to our story.

We stood for a while in front of this painting, imagining the dinners this very dysfunctional family might've had.

As we wandered around, we got to know each other better and the art helped us avoid awkward silences by inspiring questions like, what's your background, and where've you traveled?  It may sound like a stuffy location but because of its somewhat interactive nature, it was actually the perfect place for a first date - boys, take note!

When we got hungry, we headed to a shabu-shabu place down the street (if you don't know, it's a Japanese cook-your-own-food style restaurant), where we talked over the steam of seaweed water boiling our beef & veggies.  Dinner led to a discussion of karaoke (naturally), so we headed to a bar and picked each other's songs over the riot of a very large birthday party.

 very dark small pictures from my phone...

That's right, I said we picked each other's songs.  As in, neither of us knew what we were singing until we were standing up there with a mic in our hands.  So not only did I do karaoke on a first date, I did blind karaoke on a first date.  What am I, crazy???  Eh.  It's all part of the fun.

I had to sing Gwen Stefani, Hollaback Girl, and he had to sing Boys II Men, I'll Make Love to You (just because it's funny, don't go thinking dirty, it's a first date) - and we totally rocked it.

He was a total gentleman.  Besides a few "that's what she said"s (which, let's face it, I probably initiated) and a running Indian-exhibit-inspired joke about the kama sutra, he held doors for me, was hands-off, and even picked up the tab (which the Very Independent Woman that I am fought against, but he refused to budge).

I'm pretty sure it was the best first date I've ever been on.  That's what they all should be: fun, silly, spontaneous, full of conversation & laughter, not an awkward meal & silent movie, or some dude drooling all over you waiting for the end of the night to make a move.

So, I don't know, it may not go anywhere, but there will definitely be a second date and, hey, sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that dates like this DO exist.  :)

Today I am so grateful & happy for:

~ a fun day with a good guy

~ time to write

~ my new phone is working (and puuuurty!)

xo!  n.

Lovely Los Angeles

Yesterday I went to the farmer's market and hiking with some friends & then out for a 3 hour dinner with another friend; it's days like this that make me love LA.

Today I'm so grateful & happy for:
~ great friends
~ delicious fresh food (and eggs worth standing in line for)
~ a new phone!

xo!  n.

Holiday Recap

My 2010 Holiday season involved...

A fat cat sneaking under the covers, curling up soft next to my stomach and purring so loud I could hear it through my pillow.

Quality time with one of my favorite people, my momma.

All day Christmas eve cooking - homemade pierogies from my great-grandma's recipie, attempted from scratch for the very first time since she made them.

Giving up on pierogi dough & resorting to wonton wrappers with homemade filling. Still delicious.

Waking up on Christmas morning, looking out the window, and saying "aw it didn't sno-- IT'S SNOWING!!" and watching it flurry for a few hours without sticking.  The closest I've ever gotten to a white Christmas.

Sufjan Stevens & Manheim Steamroller & George Winston & Harry Connick, Jr. carols.

Relaxed laughter with family and a Christmas dinner that involved snoring dogs, bra ornaments, snacking for hours, and everyone feeling happy, thankful and loved.

Lots of movies.

Eleven hours driving down the east coast in snow, slush & ice the day after Christmas.

Singing loud to mom's old-school CDs - Barenaked Ladies & Counting Crows - to keep us from going insane stuck in the car.

Emotional upheaval (but ultimately, in a good way).

My brother dancing with my dad's dog in front of a crackling fire.

Re-exploring the town I grew up in and visiting our old house with new tenants, piecing together our family after big changes, thinking about the future and the past.  Bittersweet but calm.

Tons of sweet tea, cookies, pie, wine, specialty beers, and a homemade salad dressing that involved lots and lots of bacon fat.  Mmmmm...

Gathering around the kitchen to watch my brother's awesome knife skills & cooking talent.  Beautiful food.  Needing to audibly groan with every bite, it's that delicious.

Anticipation & disappointment (people, not things), tears, full-on honesty, acceptance, letting go, moving forward from here.  A resolution of communication.  A fittingly big ending on the last day of the year.

Balloons covering the ceiling, streamers covering the floor, vintage covering me.  Champagne, dirty martinis and the people that always make everything better.

Staying in PJs for hours under blankets, watching the Rose Bowl Parade and playing a ridiculous giggle & fake vomit -inducing game of "would you rather."

Delicious, nutritious & charmed Hoppin' John and wassail for 2011 luck.

"The Office" Clue game,  old-school Monopoly, "Fantastic Mr. Fox," rocky road ice cream and staying up too late, sleeping in too long.

Rainy day laziness, holding hands, free lunch and new friends (including a puppy!) on an almost-24-hour-long date.

All in all, it was an appropriate ending to 2010 and a really wonderful beginning of 2011.  I hope y'all had the same.

I'm back, and I promise that not only will I be writing more often, I also have a big announcement up my sleeve this month, so stay tuned...

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ spending time with people I love on both coasts
~ beginnings
~ silliness & laughter

xo!  n.

What is love?

Is it heart-pounding, spine-tingling, butterflies & stammering; craving someone like an insatiable hunger in the pit of your stomach?

Is it wanting to curl up inside someone, closer than skin, so deeply that they become a part of you and their actions are an extension of your own?

Is it trusting someone with your only, fragile heart, taking walls down block by block and being honest, no matter how hard or how many times you've been hurt?

Is it comfort, feeling accepted as your real full self, warm fuzzies and a soft feeling of prevailing happiness?

Is it laughing with someone, feeling they enrich every experience & simply just wanting them around?

Does it hit you like a lightning bolt, scorching, or does it creep up and around you like a slow-growing vine?

Is there a right person or just a right time?

...don't go getting your panties in a twist, I'm not in love, I've just been thinking about it a lot.  It's the holidays, there are engagement ring commercials all over the dang place, and I'm remembering the last (and only) time I was in love, how dramatic it was, and wondering if I will ever feel like that again or if the next time will be completely different...

What do you think?  Is love the Aha! moment it's depicted as in movies?  Or is is an ebb and flow of feelings?  Those of you in love, did you just know or did it grow over time?  I'm in a listening mood, tell me your story!

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ a fat soft kitty
~ coooooooold Christmas weather
~ talking about the elephant  ;)

xo! n.

[photo from weheartit]

Reverb10 - Release, create, love

To participate in the Reverb10 prompts, reflect on 2010 and manifest for 2011, check 'em out here.

December 5: Let Go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year?  Why?

Control.  I've always been an over-achiever and a worrier; I've always had a pretty tight hold on what I expect and how I'm going to get it.  This year taught me that I can't control everything; I've learned I don't even want to control everything because it often turns out SO much better when I just allow things to be what they are.

December 6: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Besides my writing... :)  the last things I made were banners and signs for an event at work; I designed them in Photoshop & then the company printed them & they looked really good.  But the last things I made without prompting from anyone were the art pieces I made for the last Side Work show.  I sculpted wire hearts and made a lotus out of cardboard, newspaper and watercolors - picking only the positive, celebratory newspaper articles (which are really hard to find).  They all sold, which was such a great feeling.  I would like to do more projects like that; I always have a million crafty ideas, and I'm pretty good at executing them, but I don't put it at the top of my priority list, generally.  I would definitley like to carve out more time for creating physical, beautiful things, because it gives me an instant feeling of achievement.

December 7: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

The Stratejoy community has been THE most amazing, unexpected support group for me this year.  To those of y'all that found me on SJ, thank you, from the bottom of my heart; you've made the experience of writing cathartic, meaningful, and so very joyful for me.  In 2011 I really want to connect more deeply with that community and with similar people; I want to create an inspirational community (plans are in the works & expect something new & shiny to be revealed in January!!!)

Also, my LA "family" of friends has been an amazing, supportive community for me through this year of ups and downs, lefts and rights, confusion and clarity.  Through each step, they've said with a laugh, "we can't keep up with you, but we love you and are so excited for you."  On Thanksgiving, I looked around at a living room full of friends and thought: I love ALL of these people.  So much.  Thanks, y'all.

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ catching up  :)
~ Christmas champagne
~ a busy busy week/weekend with friends

xo! n.

[photo: my art display at Side Work]

A Portrait

I step out of the house in too-big boots that clack on cement and crunch golden leaves as my feet slide inside, skinny jeans (I've succumbed) tucked snugly in.  A woven hat that perches back on my head drooping like a wooly empty pillowcase hides my still-wet hair.  The dark green courdoury blazer and gold pashmina tied as a scarf that've become my winter uniform hide whatever possibly cute, probably bummy shirt I've chosen for the day.  A faded purse weighs my shoulder; I carry my coffee in one hand, keys in the other.  My neighborhood is alive but always quiet; it is sleepy and still as I cross the street to my beat-up car, in which I sit, waiting for the engine and my hands to warm.  It's 50 degrees and I'm pathetically freezing.

This is winter nikki.

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ finding flavored coffee creamer (the little ones from a gas station) in my desk - I'd forgotten about them!
~ fresh, free sushi lunch
~ a yummy-smelling soy candle in my office

xo! n.

[photo source]

Reverb10 - Distraction, focus & awe

Totally behind.  Don't care.  Working at my own pace.  Please forgive.  :)

To participate in the Reverb10 prompts, reflect on 2010 and manifest for 2011, check 'em out here.

December 2 - Writing.  What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?

Facebook, gmail chatting, watching TV.  I could definitely eliminate them but their siren song is so loud...  Actually, facebook isn't that much of a time-suck for me; I don't stalk so once I've seen the most recent stuff on my news feed, I'm good.  Chatting is a huge waste of time, but it's a big part of how I keep in touch with people, so it's easy to justify.  I can certianly either sign out of gmail (or ichat) OR turn my icon to "do not disturb" for at least an hour or so every day while I'm writing; I know that'd be a good idea.  I don't really watch much TV, but I live with 4 other people so when I'm in the living room or kitchen, it's usually on.  Some days I'm sick of sitting in my room and some days I want to be a little more social, but I guess I need to tell myself I can go into the living room when I'm done writing.  It'll be my reward.  :)

December 3 - Moment.  Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year.  Describe it in vivid detail (textures, smells, voices, noises, colors).

I.  Am.  Terrified.  I'm sitting on the floor surrounded by some of my closest friends & most inspiring artists, a half-empty bag of doritos, and my expectant laptop.  I've committed to facing one of my biggest fears, and I know that soon the attention will turn to me and there will be no more excuses.

Someone reminds the group that I brought in a song, and everyone smiles at me, not understanding my anxiety but showering me with love.  My stomach knots.  I play the song on my laptop, not singing along, and everyone listens.  Then: "why didn't you sing?"  "OK now sing it."  "She needs a band."  Instruments are fetched, unexpectedly, and everyone looks at me, tuned and ready.  My stomach double-knots.  I might throw up.  Deep, shaky breath, and...

I sing.

Johnny comes in on guitar, Jamey comes in on trumpet, Mary starts shaking the crumpled dorito bag like a maracca.  Everyone is humming along, swaying, attempting harmony.  My voice rises above them, floating on their beautiful cacaophany like it was meant for this, like it's been waiting it's whole misused life for this expression of joy.

And suddenly... it's not so scary.

December 4 - Wonder.  How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

By doing things I've never done, never knew I would or could do, never expected to do.  By keeping myself, however difficult, open - really OPEN - to everything that came into my life this year.  By not allowing myself to get bored or jaded or hold on too tightly to how things are "supposed" to be.  By giving myself a break & allowing myself to sit still with no purpose or plan.

Let me know your answers to the Reverb questions!

xo!  n.

In good company

by the brilliant Spanish illustrator Alex Noriega

Sorry I've been absent this weekend; with the holidays coming up I've been extra busy.  Hope you had a lovely weekend & are starting the week feeling fresh & awesome.  :)

Today I am so happy & grateful for:

~ cookie baking parties (thanks, Brie!)

~ inspiring, motivating friends

~ 2am hot chocolate dates

xo! n.

Reverb 10 - Just one thing

...is a super cool initiative set up by some super cool people for reviewing this past year and creating for the new year.  As per usual, I'm late in hearing about it (I'm pretty dang rad but I tend to be a bit behind when it comes to pop culture & the "in" stuff) by about a week, so although it's meant to be a daily prompt, I'll be playing a little bit of catch up.

If you want to play along, visit them here; the questions can be journaled or blogged or just thought about.  I have had an incredible, strange year in 2010 and would really like to focus my energies in 2011; I'm hoping this gives me a place to start.

Here goes...

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010 has been Unexpected. 
I started the year in Australia, rang it in with fireworks and boys streaking down a Queensland beach.  I hadn't planned to be there for New Year's, yet there I was, and I was loving it.  A little over a month later, I was in LA, selling my furniture to move to DC when out of the blue I was cast in a movie.  My planned two month cross-country road trip turned into a two-week drive up the California coast with my mom; we kayaked, rode horses, window-shopped and hiked.  I returned to an incredible few days on set, doing what I'd been preparing for my whole life, and knowing I was good at it.  I slept on my friends couch for a month until a perfect month-to-month deal found me & I moved into a room with borrowed furniture.  I found the JetBlue all-you-can-jet pass just in time, had nothing holding me back & a friend who could sublease, so I spent 6 weeks flying from city to city, seeing new places & old friends.  On my way back to LA, a job fell in my lap so I took it.

Everything about this year has been unplanned or anti-my-plan.  It's been wonderful (and looking back on it that succinctly, I can't believe I fit all that in one year!) but it's also been stressful.  At every turn, I've wondered if I'm still on the right path; each new opportunity brought at least as much fear as it did joy.

2011 will be Purposeful.
I don't think life gets much more wander-y and directionless than my 2010.  And it's been lovely.  It's given me a lot of insight as to what I want out of my life and what my ultimate (read: overreaching, big-picture, whole-life) goals are.  I'm not sure of the specifics or how to get there, but I know the life I want - the love, the freedom, the creativity, the exploration, the balance, and the joy that I will have, no matter what the job, the home, the city or the relationship look like.  Now is the time to take those dreams that are starting to come into focus and pursue them, even if that pursuit takes me down a few dead ends; it's time for action.

I will purposefully seek out ways to bring more of the things I want into my life.  I will live with purposeful intention & not just let days pass me by.  I will trust that as long as I'm living with my purpose in mind, "failure" is ok & there are no wrong choices, only avenues that lead to other avenues toward my goals.  It is the year for clarity and purposeful, joyful action.

What are your words for 2010 & 2011?  Feel free to tell me in the comments or link to your Reverb blog post.  I'd really love to hear.

Today I am so grateful & happy for reflection & self-awareness.

xo! n.

[awesome quote source]

Ten Holiday Faves

It's December!!  Can you believe it?

My ten favorite things about the Holiday season are:

10.  Christmas carols!  You know 'em, you love 'em, you know you love 'em.

9.  Holiday flavored coffee creamer: Sugar and Spice, Gingerbread, Eggnog, mmmm...  drooool...

8.  Scarves.  Even in the SoCal climate, they're a fashionable winter accessory.

7.  Christmas cards!!  I NEVER get snail mail anymore - except during the holidays.

6.  Cookies - gingerbread, sugar, peanut butter chocolate... you're supposed to pig out!

5.  Presents - I love the surprise of unwrapping something mysterious.

4.  Twinkly Christmas lights.  Everywhere.

3.  Everyone says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" - everyone!  To strangers!  Even in LA!!

2.  Presents - I LOVE giving someone that perfect gift & seeing their face light up!

And the #1 thing I love about the Holiday season is... (don't judge)...

1.  Cheesy Lifetme/Hallmark Channel made-for-TV Holiday movies!!!!! *  I know, I know, it sounds so lame, but there is really nothing better than curling up on the sofa on a cold winter night with a hot chocolate (or glass of red wine), snuggled up in a blanket with a you-know-how-it's-gonna-end-but-it-still-warms-your-heart-makes-you-giggle-and-probably-makes-you-cry-a-little movie.  Don't knock it 'til you try it.

I am so grateful & happy that it's Christmastime!!!

*Actually, my real #1 favorite thing is spending time with (or at least connecting with, if I can't physically be there) the people I love the most.  But that's a given.  :)

What's your favorite thing about the Holiday season?

[photos from here here and here]

Out of place, out of time

Today's been an odd day.

All day long, I've been feeling like I'm somewhere else.  Not like I should be somewhere or like my mind is somewhere in daydreams, but actually thinking I'm in a different physical place than I actually am.  On the way to work, my senses told me it was 61 and sunny, California winter, but I caught myself actually believing there was snow on the ground and for a second thought I was driving to my Grandma's house in Virginia.  After work, at the grocery store, I got the very distinct feeling that I was in Tesco's in London, quietly foreign.

It's the feeling you get when you're drifting off to sleep, not knowing yet that you're asleep, and you feel the unmistakable sensation of falling, just for a fraction of a second, just enough to set your heart pounding, before you jerk awake, suddenly, strangely, fully aware of your mattress and sheets and very alive body.

Maybe it's a premonition or its less frightening and more stubborn father, a memory.  Maybe it's a wrinkle in time and I'm feeling the lives of my other selves.  Maybe it's just early onset dementia.

Whatever it is, it's made for an oddly dreamlike day.  Have you ever felt inexplicably out-of-reality?

I am so happy and grateful for:
~ homemade vegan cookies (thanks, Sally!)
~ phone calls with momma
~ imagination

xo!  n.

[photo source]

Randoms.

I don't know what to write about.  But I told myself I'd write at least every other day (especially weekdays) and all day long I've been staring at a blank blogger New Post page, trying to think of something interesting to say.

I got nothin'.

I will tell you this: it is cold in LA tonight & for the first time in... wow, eight years (!), the house I live in has central heating.  The steady exhalation from the vent over my bed is comforting and makes me feel like I'm back in my parents house.

I will also tell you this: there's a plant on my desk at work.  It was given to me by the Ellen Show & it's not just cut flowers, it's in soil.  It's not doing so well.  Yesterday I trimmed all the dead blooms and leaves and everyone made fun of me & told me to just throw it away, but I can't.  I can't give up on a living thing.  Especially when it's my fault I didn't water it enough and now it's dying.  What does that say about me?

One more thing:  do you think that if, instead of arguing with people & telling them what they're doing wrong or how they could improve (however helpful and loving of a place it's coming from), if we told people what we need from them - i.e. I need to be treated with respect or I need your support - would our relationships be stronger?  That sounds more selfish but is it really?  Don't we all just need the same basic things at our core?  If we all said what we needed out loud with no bullshit and we all listened to what other people needed, what would that be like?

Thinking too much...

Oh and ps - the other day I locked my keys in my car at a gas station.  The guys from the garage attached to it came over with coat hangers & long twisted lengths of wire and worked for at least 45 minutes trying to get my car door open.  I cheered them on from the passenger window.  Finally, when they gave up, I called AAA who, of course, had it open in 3 seconds.  I could've done that from the beginning, but it was so nice to get unsolicited, selfless help in LA, I didn't want to discourage them.

Tomorrow I will be fighting the grocery store crowds for last-minute Thanksgiving shopping.  Do any of you have a good stuffing recipe?

See, I warned you it'd be random.

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ my down comforter
~ paw paw ointment
~ a low-key day at work today

xo!  n.

Relay of Friendship Blogger Award!

I've recieved a lovely blog award from sweet *S on Our One Sweet World !  How fun!

I've been handed the baton in the relay of friendship (adorable!) and after I answer a few questions, I'll be passing it on to 5 lovely blogs!



What did you want to be when you grew up?

This question assumes that I am now grown up - lies!  ;)  When I was a kid, I wanted to be a librarian or archeologist, both, I think, rooted in my love of stories.  Now, I'm not sure what I want to be, but I still love telling stories, travel, and helping people - so if I can find something that combines all three maybe I might actually want to grow up!

What were your favorite cartoons?

Danger Mouse.  I loved that little British mouse 007 so much that on long car trips, when I'd ask my mom, "how much longer," she'd say, "three Danger Mouses" (I know it sounds like bad grammar but it's not really).

Favorite childhood game?

Any sort of make-believe; I used to pretend I was Maid Marion, Danger Mouse (of course), an orphan on the run (I loved "Annie")... I played outside alone or with friends, creating new worlds all the time.

Most favorite birthday?

As a kid, the birthday when we had a scavenger hunt that ended with us literally digging up buried treasure on the beach!  Or maybe the birthday where we played a murder mystery game...  As an adult, probably the year my friends kidnapped me & took me to Mexico for the weekend.  I've had a lot of great birthdays.  :)

Something you have always wanted to do but haven't done yet?

Write a novel, learn an instrument, see every continent (3 down, 4 more to go!) - there are SO many places in the world I want to see!

What was your first love?

Probably reading.  I was a bookworm as a kid; I always got a sackful of books from the library & devoured them immediately.

First musical idol?

Embarrassingly, Mariah Carey.  I used to roller skate & lip-sync to "Dreamlover" and "Hero," and I still listen to her "Merry Christmas" Album every year.  Yup.

Favorite gift?

Wow, thats a tough one.  I've gotten lots of wonderful gifts over the years...

If a theme song played for you everywhere you went, what would it be?

Oh it changes, pretty often, but right now it's "Clap Your Hands" by Sia - so happy & fun!

Favorite city to visit?

Well, I love to visit DC because I have so much family there (and family that doesn't live there congregates there for holidays) but Cinqueterre, Italy (specifically Monterroso) is my favorite place I've ever been... although the Whitsundays in Australia really gave it a run for its money...  :)

And now I'm passing the baton to...

my lovely fellow writers on Stratejoy!!

Alisha at Stories of Sommer

Doniree of Nomadic Foodie

Marian of Marian Librarian

Renee of Belle Renee

Lindsey of LindseyK

Ladies, no worries if you're too busy to participate, but I just wanted to show y'all a little love.

Today I am so grateful and happy for:

~ internet friends

~ seeing the new Harry Potter (ooohhh sooo good!)

~ calm days at work

xo!  n.

Pleased to meet you, Denver

Virginia lured me calmly, with a polite slightly southern drawl and the quiet confidence of a city that's stood through the centuries.  I connected with my family; three hours talking porcelain with my grandma (yes, I could barely keep my eyes open, but oh my being there meant so much to her), burgers and beer with my aunt, days and days with my momma.  Moving there would be so easy - I have a free place to stay, lots of connections for jobs, an easy in to a creative group, and even possibly a new (to me) car.  But is it where I want to be?  Is it easy because it's right or just too easy?

My gut's not giving me any answers; I think it wants to weigh all the options first.  So, with that said:  Colorado, you're up.  Show me what you've got.

Flying into Denver, I was just as excited as flying into Sydney, Australia.  How funny is that?  A new place is a new place, no matter how exotic - it always gives me a fluttery thrill.  I was like a little kid, craning my neck to see past the wing to the mountains and flat, reaching farmland.  As we touched down, it was all giant sky and golden fields, stretching like the yellow brick road to Emerald City, Denver's skyscrapers huddled together on the horizon like a distant, steely oasis.

 My BFF picked me up from the airport & took me to her home.  It is surreal; she got married and moved to Denver a little over a year ago, and seeing someone I've known since I was 13 in this new adult life feels peculiar.  It's beautiful - she's so in love and her home is comfy and fitting - but it feels like a strange dream, unfamiliar and surprising but natural and so completely right.

She and her husband J gave me a quick driving tour of Park Hill, where they live, through downtown, and to The Highlands for a happy hour dinner of appetizers and wine on the rooftop of Vita, watching the sun set over the city skyline.  She has about eight million things in mind for me to do while I'm here (hilarious and adorable!), and it seems like Denver's got a pretty great social scene, from the microbreweries on every corner (and a biking tour of them!) to the "Canvas and Cocktails" painting class she's been waiting to take with me.  She keeps saying "when you move here..."

She also keeps asking me, "has Denver woo'd you yet?"  I tell her, this is our first date; I'm not that easy.

Com'on Denver, woo the crap out of me.

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ Jet Blue's free in-flight TV and snacks, and free checked bag
~ laughing with my BFF
~ homemade zucchini walnut pineapple muffins

xo! n.

Week One

My new place is starting to feel like home.  I wake up to sunshine at 9am, make coffee, run into roommates, laugh, go about my day.  I sit outside on the porch.  I write a lot because there are fewer distractions (I'm not even sure how to turn on the TV!) and my little desk-by-the-window setup is super conducive to creativity.  Dogs barking, yard work, and a distant confused rooster lend a soundtrack to my days.  My roommate & I made persimmon cookies & they taste like Christmas.

fresh-picked lemons with fresh-baked cookies on our porch

Life is good.

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ comfort
~ new friends
~ cool weather

xo! n.

PS- my second post is up on Stratejoy!!  Check it out here.

Notes From the Edge

My first post is up at Stratejoy!  Check it out here.

The Sweet Spot

I have a new home.

Its walls are a lovely lavender and its creaky hardwood floor can finally breathe after years of being smothered by carpet.  It has beautiful big windows whose frames I painted bright turqouise to bring the sky in, and through which leafy green branches peek in.  I have a simple desk in front of the window so the hills and palms and hummingbirds in the lemon tree can inspire me everyday.

The rest of the house looks like a frat, but I am in domestic heaven.

I haven't put together my little porch garden I told you about yet, but I did take cuttings from two of the succulents outside (LOVE succulents!) and put them in cute pots on my desk.  I hope they root & grow.

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ a sweet spot for creating
~ self-sufficient gardens
~ feeling at home

xo! n.

man oh man.

LA is really making it hard to leave.

I've been back for about a week now, slumber-partying on the couches of my lovely and tolerant friends, puttering about aimlessly like a bored kid on summer vacation.  My scenes in "Atlas" were scheduled to film yesterday and today, but at the last minute were rescheduled for Friday and Saturday so plans have changed yet again.  I am completely and utterly in limbo.  Completely and utterly at the scheduling mercy of an industry I thought I had finally pried myself free from.

And today, after my friend C showed me some of his favorite places in LA - all in the part of LA that is so me, the part I would probably have lived if I'd come to LA on my own - I heard from some friends that they're producing a play & would like me to be involved.  Suddenly I'm thinking of a little house in Eagle Rock with a hammock and garden, in walking distance to coffee houses & vintage shops, doing Shakespeare again and getting a day job with an event or production company.  Suddenly I feel like I've been being melodramatic with all this moving talk and hey, why DO these opportunities keep coming up?  Is the universe trying to tell me something?

 me, on a literal path, thinking of my figurative path ~so philosophical... (taken by C)

But the truth is, I haven't liked who I am in LA.  I don't like the way this city & this industry in this city makes me feel about myself.  I will never be talented enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough... for LA.  And I realize that's my faulty thinking, not a fault of this place, but I don't think it's something that can be easily fixed.

C took me today to an ashram, up in the mountains, overlooking the whole city.  It's hot as hell today but actually quite clear, so we could see the skyline of Los Angeles, almost all the way out to the ocean.  I never dreamed it could smell so delicious, so near the heart of LA, as it does in their garden.  We literally stopped to smell the roses.  At the ashram, there is a well where a famous yogi used to meditate, and you're encouraged to make a wish.  I know you're not supposed to tell your wishes for fear they won't come true, but I'm going to share mine with you...

 me at the ashram, smelling a lotus (taken by C)

I wished for the faith to trust where my life is leading me, and that it will lead me to better things than I could even imagine.  Immediately, I felt a lightness, a calm joy, and I knew everything would be ok.

I don't know where I'm headed and it stresses me out, but I'm trying to just trust and take it day by day.  This is a scary time in my life, and yet, I'm positive I'm one day going to look back on it as one of the most amazing times of my life.  I just gotta appreciate it for what it is.  And trust.

Deeeeeep breath.

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ sundresses on hot days
~ coffee shops with outdoor wifi
~ comfortable couches
~ flowers

xo! n.

Fearless.

Yesterday I made a big step toward conquering an old fear.

Since I was a kid, I've sung in choirs, but I've never never sung a solo.  In middle school I auditioned for "Oklahoma" - I said, "I'm an alto" and then opened my mouth & the highest, beyond soprano, quavering,  most terrified voice came out and embarrassed everyone in the room.  Later, my college boyfriend and his roommates (Teeter & Chick, funnily enough) were recording a Christmas album and he offered for me to sing one song on it.  I had a breakdown.  I cried, I cussed, I freaked out.  I didn't want to listen to my own voice and I didn't like the sound coming out of me or the nervous cold sweat I broke out into.  Even though it turned out ok,  I made them promise to not include it on the regular CD, only a special "gold edition," and every Christmas when my parents put it on, I get red & flustered and anxious.

Despite all that, I LOVE music and I've always said that one thing on my life list is: Perform a solo song for an audience.  And be confident about it.  Get over this dang stupid fear.

Last night, at our Side Work meeting (for those of you that don't know, Side Work is an artists collective & one of the things I'm most proud of in my life - you can read about it here) I announced that in our next show, I might want to sing.  And then, at their urging, despite stomach churning & sweaty brow, I sang.  And we had an impromptu jam session with Jamey & Johnny picking up instruments & Teeter using a bag of chips as maracas.

And it was awesome.

 I want to perform with the confidence & style of Jenny Lewis  [source]

In a couple of weeks, I'm going to sing in front of a lot of people.  Some friends, some strangers.  I'm going to dance and sing and enjoy it, and I'm going to put this fear to rest.  I'm going to cross it off my list.  Who's with me?  What fear can you conquer in June?

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ support
~ being ready
~ inspiration

xo! n.

It's Official

I'm moving to the East Coast this summer.

The plan is: mid-June road trip across America.  Visit & stay with friends, see places I've never seen (like the Grand Canyon - what! I know!), and enjoy a windows down, music up, singing to the sky road trip.  Arrive in North Carolina just in time for my friend's wedding in August, then drive up to my Mom's house in Virginia.  She's offered to let me live with her for a year while I save money, pay off debt, and figure out my next step.

I know how it sounds - I'm 28 (will be 29 by the time I move), broke, single, moving back in with my mom.  Pathetic right?  And it would be if I HAD to do it, or if I was just too lazy to do anything else.  But I'm choosing to do this.  It will be good to be near my family (it's been a long time) and great to save some money; it'll be a perfect jumping-off point for whatever's next.  I've been going through a dirty, duuuuurrty quarterlife crisis the last year and a half, and I've come to the conclusion that what I thought I wanted is not, in fact, what I want (or what I've ever wanted - just what I thought I should want) and therefore I can go anywhere; LA has no hold on me.

Besides my friends, which is a whole other weepy, gonna-miss-you-so-much story that I'd rather not get into right now.

If I stay here, yes, I'm staying with people who love me and inspire me and have picked me up every terrible time I've fallen down (sigh), but I'm also staying in a place that has disappointed me, given me heartbreak and uncertainty, and holds memories and anxieties that have held me down for way too long.  It's time to make a fresh start.  It's time to write the next chapter of my life.

I plan to get back into theatre.  Working the Awesome Festival in Perth reminded me how much I love live theatre, in every capacity, not just acting, and made me realize I'd like to be somewhere it's more respected, not just treated as the bastard step-child of film.  There are some amazing theatre companies in VA and DC, and I have connections to at least one theatre festival on the east coast.

I plan to travel the world.  Saving on rent is gonna make that way more possible.

I plan to sort out what I want to do next.  New city?  New country?  Grad school?  The more I think about it, the more I feel that there's a way to balance my nesting instinct with my wanderlust and that this is the first step.

both images from weheartit.com

 And don't y'all worry, I plan to write.  And write and write - you'll be included every step of the journey.  I'm sorry I haven't been great about it recently; I wasn't ready to make this official yet & that's what I was working through.

It's going to be a huge change, and it's gonna be sad.  But I'm excited.  It's time for a new adventure.

Today I am so grateful and happy for:
~ a simple, relaxing visit from my best friend
~ my roommates supporting my decision & having a good plan for when I leave
~ the next big thing to look forward to

xo! n.