I've been back for about a week now, slumber-partying on the couches of my lovely and tolerant friends, puttering about aimlessly like a bored kid on summer vacation. My scenes in "Atlas" were scheduled to film yesterday and today, but at the last minute were rescheduled for Friday and Saturday so plans have changed yet again. I am completely and utterly in limbo. Completely and utterly at the scheduling mercy of an industry I thought I had finally pried myself free from.
And today, after my friend C showed me some of his favorite places in LA - all in the part of LA that is so me, the part I would probably have lived if I'd come to LA on my own - I heard from some friends that they're producing a play & would like me to be involved. Suddenly I'm thinking of a little house in Eagle Rock with a hammock and garden, in walking distance to coffee houses & vintage shops, doing Shakespeare again and getting a day job with an event or production company. Suddenly I feel like I've been being melodramatic with all this moving talk and hey, why DO these opportunities keep coming up? Is the universe trying to tell me something?
me, on a literal path, thinking of my figurative path ~so philosophical... (taken by C)
But the truth is, I haven't liked who I am in LA. I don't like the way this city & this industry in this city makes me feel about myself. I will never be talented enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough... for LA. And I realize that's my faulty thinking, not a fault of this place, but I don't think it's something that can be easily fixed.
C took me today to an ashram, up in the mountains, overlooking the whole city. It's hot as hell today but actually quite clear, so we could see the skyline of Los Angeles, almost all the way out to the ocean. I never dreamed it could smell so delicious, so near the heart of LA, as it does in their garden. We literally stopped to smell the roses. At the ashram, there is a well where a famous yogi used to meditate, and you're encouraged to make a wish. I know you're not supposed to tell your wishes for fear they won't come true, but I'm going to share mine with you...
me at the ashram, smelling a lotus (taken by C)
I wished for the faith to trust where my life is leading me, and that it will lead me to better things than I could even imagine. Immediately, I felt a lightness, a calm joy, and I knew everything would be ok.
I don't know where I'm headed and it stresses me out, but I'm trying to just trust and take it day by day. This is a scary time in my life, and yet, I'm positive I'm one day going to look back on it as one of the most amazing times of my life. I just gotta appreciate it for what it is. And trust.
Deeeeeep breath.
Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ sundresses on hot days
~ coffee shops with outdoor wifi
~ comfortable couches
~ flowers
xo! n.
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