Inspiration Strikes

I sit at my desk, blinds open behind me letting the sun cast a zebra glare on my computer monitor, but I'd rather have that than the florescents on.  It makes me feel a little more human to see the sunshine.

I'm learning about purchase orders after a slow morning spent perusing my favorite blogs, and the girl training me stops for a lengthy phone call.  I look down at my pad of paper and doodle:

I write, "finish Stratejoy post" and "charge ipod" and then...  "brainstorm"

I don't know why, it just comes out of my pen, all on its own.  And next comes:

And I look at that sentence and I have a slow trickle of an epiphany.  It isn't the lightning bolt kind, it isn't noticeable to my co-worker next to me, still on the phone.  It's like a slow leak from a balloon - no, not that, that makes the balloon smaller - it's like a tiny little waterfall that only happens after a heavy rain & that you only notice as you hike by if you're really in tune with what's around you and not preoccupied with thoughts or focused on a goal.  You only notice it if you're enjoying your hike.

The trickle of inspiration pools ink on paper and somehow forms words, words that make me smile, words that keep arranging themselves as they steadily drip-drip-drip out.  And those words form an idea, a good idea that feels possible and achievable.  Fun, even.  My co-worker hangs up the phone and training begins again; as I listen, I sit with the warming knowledge of my lovely new secret.

It may not happen as I imagine it; it may not happen at all.  I might change my mind tomorrow.  But today creative inspiration found me, and I opened up the part of my brain that is hopeful, imaginative, focused.  Today I took one step toward my big dream life.

Today I am so grateful and happy for:
~ unexpected epiphanies
~ being still & letting creativity flow
~ knowing what I need

xo!  n.

Without a sign, without a clue.

It's the day before Halloween and it is GORGEOUS.  It's cool and clear; it poured last night so the sky is blue with no haze, only happy little clouds, and the trees around my house are bright green & shiny like they're smiling.  All my clothes are in the laundry so I'm sitting outside in my pjs letting the beauty of the day soak into me.

As y'all probably know from my recent Stratejoy post (I've been terrible about linking to them, but you can find them all here, or by clicking the Stratejoy box on my sidebar, if you're interested), I have had a lot on my mind recently.  I feel like everyone's asking me for a decision and that decision will determine the course of the rest of my life (big booming voice - echo, echo, echo...)

I realize that's silly because I can always make a new decision, change my mind, go in a different direction, but I'm still feeling that pressure.  And weirdly, the only place that is offering up reasons to be there is the one place I had decided not to be.  Los Angeles.  Oh you devious Angel city...

You know that saying, "when you love something let it go & if it comes back to you, it's meant to be"?  If you've really let something go but it just keeps finding it's way back into your life, and no matter how many times you shy away from it, it slides up beside you and gives you new reasons to love it again - is that a sign?  Is there such thing as a sign, or is it just something we tell ourselves to take the pressure off of making a decision?  What if all that happens but your gut still stays silent?  Is it waiting for the right moment to flare up in positive or negative response, or is ambivalence the same as indifference the same as a big fat NO?

Sigh.  Anyway, I've been working A LOT, which is really great for my paycheck, not so great for my psyche.  I can't even tell you how amazing it feels to know I have money in my account and money coming in - especially overtime & double-time money.  How, after a whole year of not working steadily - a one month job in Australia & then random bartending jobs the rest of the time - it is incredible to me to buy food somewhere other than the 99cent store.  But, then again, I haven't had a job with these kind of hours for about two years - even during my last year at the accounting firm before Australia I was only working 20hrs a week - and I've gotten out of practice.  It is exhausting.

I don't do well when I'm tired.  I'm generally an easy-to-get-along-with person, but I'm a bitch for two reasons: I'm hungry or I'm tired.  Little things feel like big things, problems seem to have no solutions, and my brain gets stuck on repeat with thoughts I don't want or need to have.  So maybe that's part of this whole "I need to make a decision" dilemma.  I'm probably blowing it out of proportion.  ("oh little one..." haha, that's for you, Amanda)

Last night was the best night's sleep I've gotten in 3 weeks (besides all the weird anxiety dreams) and I'm going to let it do for my brain what the rain did for LA - wash it clean, give it brightness & clarity.  I'm wandering but I'm not lost, I'm undecided but I'm not confused, I'm uprooted but patient.

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ a comfortable bed in a comforting room
~ calm
~ money coming in
~ Halloween plans

xo! n.

[photo source]

Hitting the Ground Running

I know I've been way behind on posting and I'm sorry.  I've been back in LA for a week and a half now but it feels like 3.  Seriously.  I jumped right into a job and have been working long days (yesterday I was there for 16 hours!), so when I get home, I crash.

HUGE difference from the past month, or even the past year - ever since I left for Australia (one year ago last Sunday - can you believe it????  I can't), I haven't worked steadily.  It feels funny.

I'm working in the special events department for one of the major studios here, and I'm working on the studio lot.  Which is pretty neat.  The parties we put together are on the backlot (the fake city streets with facades of buildings) and they are SO. COOL.  Really, it's not a bad job, even though it does involve some long hours and sitting in an office, which just makes me antsy and tired, a strange combination.

an example of a backlot, undressed

I like to drive my golf cart past trams full of tourists.  It makes me feel important.

It's been cold and rainy in LA - I have my down blanket and fleece on my bed, which makes it extra cozy (thanks, Lee Anne for letting me borrow!) and even harder to get out of in the mornings.  I like the gloomy weather, though; the other night as I was drifting to sleep I heard the sound of rain & thought, what is that weird noise...?  That's how often we get rain in LA.

I've been in an off mood since I got back, although everything is really quite good right now.  My little room in the Eagle Rock house is as adorable as ever, I've been slowly catching up with friends here, and this job fell into my lap & is the money I desperately need to replenish my empty bank account.  But I feel like everyone is expecting answers from me and I have none.

I'm taking it one day at a time.  Things just keep coming to me and I keep saying yes.

As for now, it's 9pm and I'm going to bed.  Yes, really.  Goodnight lovely people.

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ free lunches
~ gmail chat
~ green tea
~ new delightful music

xo!  n.