Potential.

I sometimes whinge and whine about being single; most of my friends are in serious relationships if not married, and I sometimes feel like The Last Single Girl (hey, that could be a good title for a movie... cast me!).  But you know what's awesome about being single?

Dates.

Yes!  The actual act of going on dates almost always fades out of a long-term relationship, and even in those that deem "date nights" important, the need to impress each other fades.  Which is a nice thing, comfort is great, but sometimes it's fun to take a chance, to feel nervous, and to have no clue what you're getting into.

Especially when the date hits it out of the park.

Cut to my Sunday.  Now, y'all, I'm telling you this because I'm not embarrassed or ashamed, I'm just 29 and living in Los Angeles -- I'm on eHarmony.  And I'd been emailing with this particular guy, we'll call him B, for about a week.  I'm a big proponent of meeting relatively early on because there's only so much you can tell from emails and a few pictures; to feel someone's energy & real compatibility, you have to spend some time with them.

So I suggested meeting & he suggested LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Art).  Perfect.

We met in the forest of streetlamps in front of the building; he looked like his pictures and bought my admission.  The museum was pretty full, which aided our mutual non-reverence; we weren't being disrespectful, but were there to enjoy ourselves & immediately feel into an easy dialogue making up silly stories about the Indian art we were looking at. 

We discovered a Jerry Springer plot in a painting of a nobleman with his handmaidens, and identified India's Siskel & Ebert of the 1700s.  We were cracking ourselves up.  We tried to be quiet, but noticed a few people giggling around us, and one couple even joined in & added to our story.

We stood for a while in front of this painting, imagining the dinners this very dysfunctional family might've had.

As we wandered around, we got to know each other better and the art helped us avoid awkward silences by inspiring questions like, what's your background, and where've you traveled?  It may sound like a stuffy location but because of its somewhat interactive nature, it was actually the perfect place for a first date - boys, take note!

When we got hungry, we headed to a shabu-shabu place down the street (if you don't know, it's a Japanese cook-your-own-food style restaurant), where we talked over the steam of seaweed water boiling our beef & veggies.  Dinner led to a discussion of karaoke (naturally), so we headed to a bar and picked each other's songs over the riot of a very large birthday party.

 very dark small pictures from my phone...

That's right, I said we picked each other's songs.  As in, neither of us knew what we were singing until we were standing up there with a mic in our hands.  So not only did I do karaoke on a first date, I did blind karaoke on a first date.  What am I, crazy???  Eh.  It's all part of the fun.

I had to sing Gwen Stefani, Hollaback Girl, and he had to sing Boys II Men, I'll Make Love to You (just because it's funny, don't go thinking dirty, it's a first date) - and we totally rocked it.

He was a total gentleman.  Besides a few "that's what she said"s (which, let's face it, I probably initiated) and a running Indian-exhibit-inspired joke about the kama sutra, he held doors for me, was hands-off, and even picked up the tab (which the Very Independent Woman that I am fought against, but he refused to budge).

I'm pretty sure it was the best first date I've ever been on.  That's what they all should be: fun, silly, spontaneous, full of conversation & laughter, not an awkward meal & silent movie, or some dude drooling all over you waiting for the end of the night to make a move.

So, I don't know, it may not go anywhere, but there will definitely be a second date and, hey, sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that dates like this DO exist.  :)

Today I am so grateful & happy for:

~ a fun day with a good guy

~ time to write

~ my new phone is working (and puuuurty!)

xo!  n.

What is love?

Is it heart-pounding, spine-tingling, butterflies & stammering; craving someone like an insatiable hunger in the pit of your stomach?

Is it wanting to curl up inside someone, closer than skin, so deeply that they become a part of you and their actions are an extension of your own?

Is it trusting someone with your only, fragile heart, taking walls down block by block and being honest, no matter how hard or how many times you've been hurt?

Is it comfort, feeling accepted as your real full self, warm fuzzies and a soft feeling of prevailing happiness?

Is it laughing with someone, feeling they enrich every experience & simply just wanting them around?

Does it hit you like a lightning bolt, scorching, or does it creep up and around you like a slow-growing vine?

Is there a right person or just a right time?

...don't go getting your panties in a twist, I'm not in love, I've just been thinking about it a lot.  It's the holidays, there are engagement ring commercials all over the dang place, and I'm remembering the last (and only) time I was in love, how dramatic it was, and wondering if I will ever feel like that again or if the next time will be completely different...

What do you think?  Is love the Aha! moment it's depicted as in movies?  Or is is an ebb and flow of feelings?  Those of you in love, did you just know or did it grow over time?  I'm in a listening mood, tell me your story!

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ a fat soft kitty
~ coooooooold Christmas weather
~ talking about the elephant  ;)

xo! n.

[photo from weheartit]

Reverb10 - Release, create, love

To participate in the Reverb10 prompts, reflect on 2010 and manifest for 2011, check 'em out here.

December 5: Let Go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year?  Why?

Control.  I've always been an over-achiever and a worrier; I've always had a pretty tight hold on what I expect and how I'm going to get it.  This year taught me that I can't control everything; I've learned I don't even want to control everything because it often turns out SO much better when I just allow things to be what they are.

December 6: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Besides my writing... :)  the last things I made were banners and signs for an event at work; I designed them in Photoshop & then the company printed them & they looked really good.  But the last things I made without prompting from anyone were the art pieces I made for the last Side Work show.  I sculpted wire hearts and made a lotus out of cardboard, newspaper and watercolors - picking only the positive, celebratory newspaper articles (which are really hard to find).  They all sold, which was such a great feeling.  I would like to do more projects like that; I always have a million crafty ideas, and I'm pretty good at executing them, but I don't put it at the top of my priority list, generally.  I would definitley like to carve out more time for creating physical, beautiful things, because it gives me an instant feeling of achievement.

December 7: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

The Stratejoy community has been THE most amazing, unexpected support group for me this year.  To those of y'all that found me on SJ, thank you, from the bottom of my heart; you've made the experience of writing cathartic, meaningful, and so very joyful for me.  In 2011 I really want to connect more deeply with that community and with similar people; I want to create an inspirational community (plans are in the works & expect something new & shiny to be revealed in January!!!)

Also, my LA "family" of friends has been an amazing, supportive community for me through this year of ups and downs, lefts and rights, confusion and clarity.  Through each step, they've said with a laugh, "we can't keep up with you, but we love you and are so excited for you."  On Thanksgiving, I looked around at a living room full of friends and thought: I love ALL of these people.  So much.  Thanks, y'all.

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ catching up  :)
~ Christmas champagne
~ a busy busy week/weekend with friends

xo! n.

[photo: my art display at Side Work]

Reverb10 - Distraction, focus & awe

Totally behind.  Don't care.  Working at my own pace.  Please forgive.  :)

To participate in the Reverb10 prompts, reflect on 2010 and manifest for 2011, check 'em out here.

December 2 - Writing.  What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?

Facebook, gmail chatting, watching TV.  I could definitely eliminate them but their siren song is so loud...  Actually, facebook isn't that much of a time-suck for me; I don't stalk so once I've seen the most recent stuff on my news feed, I'm good.  Chatting is a huge waste of time, but it's a big part of how I keep in touch with people, so it's easy to justify.  I can certianly either sign out of gmail (or ichat) OR turn my icon to "do not disturb" for at least an hour or so every day while I'm writing; I know that'd be a good idea.  I don't really watch much TV, but I live with 4 other people so when I'm in the living room or kitchen, it's usually on.  Some days I'm sick of sitting in my room and some days I want to be a little more social, but I guess I need to tell myself I can go into the living room when I'm done writing.  It'll be my reward.  :)

December 3 - Moment.  Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year.  Describe it in vivid detail (textures, smells, voices, noises, colors).

I.  Am.  Terrified.  I'm sitting on the floor surrounded by some of my closest friends & most inspiring artists, a half-empty bag of doritos, and my expectant laptop.  I've committed to facing one of my biggest fears, and I know that soon the attention will turn to me and there will be no more excuses.

Someone reminds the group that I brought in a song, and everyone smiles at me, not understanding my anxiety but showering me with love.  My stomach knots.  I play the song on my laptop, not singing along, and everyone listens.  Then: "why didn't you sing?"  "OK now sing it."  "She needs a band."  Instruments are fetched, unexpectedly, and everyone looks at me, tuned and ready.  My stomach double-knots.  I might throw up.  Deep, shaky breath, and...

I sing.

Johnny comes in on guitar, Jamey comes in on trumpet, Mary starts shaking the crumpled dorito bag like a maracca.  Everyone is humming along, swaying, attempting harmony.  My voice rises above them, floating on their beautiful cacaophany like it was meant for this, like it's been waiting it's whole misused life for this expression of joy.

And suddenly... it's not so scary.

December 4 - Wonder.  How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

By doing things I've never done, never knew I would or could do, never expected to do.  By keeping myself, however difficult, open - really OPEN - to everything that came into my life this year.  By not allowing myself to get bored or jaded or hold on too tightly to how things are "supposed" to be.  By giving myself a break & allowing myself to sit still with no purpose or plan.

Let me know your answers to the Reverb questions!

xo!  n.

Reverb 10 - Just one thing

...is a super cool initiative set up by some super cool people for reviewing this past year and creating for the new year.  As per usual, I'm late in hearing about it (I'm pretty dang rad but I tend to be a bit behind when it comes to pop culture & the "in" stuff) by about a week, so although it's meant to be a daily prompt, I'll be playing a little bit of catch up.

If you want to play along, visit them here; the questions can be journaled or blogged or just thought about.  I have had an incredible, strange year in 2010 and would really like to focus my energies in 2011; I'm hoping this gives me a place to start.

Here goes...

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010 has been Unexpected. 
I started the year in Australia, rang it in with fireworks and boys streaking down a Queensland beach.  I hadn't planned to be there for New Year's, yet there I was, and I was loving it.  A little over a month later, I was in LA, selling my furniture to move to DC when out of the blue I was cast in a movie.  My planned two month cross-country road trip turned into a two-week drive up the California coast with my mom; we kayaked, rode horses, window-shopped and hiked.  I returned to an incredible few days on set, doing what I'd been preparing for my whole life, and knowing I was good at it.  I slept on my friends couch for a month until a perfect month-to-month deal found me & I moved into a room with borrowed furniture.  I found the JetBlue all-you-can-jet pass just in time, had nothing holding me back & a friend who could sublease, so I spent 6 weeks flying from city to city, seeing new places & old friends.  On my way back to LA, a job fell in my lap so I took it.

Everything about this year has been unplanned or anti-my-plan.  It's been wonderful (and looking back on it that succinctly, I can't believe I fit all that in one year!) but it's also been stressful.  At every turn, I've wondered if I'm still on the right path; each new opportunity brought at least as much fear as it did joy.

2011 will be Purposeful.
I don't think life gets much more wander-y and directionless than my 2010.  And it's been lovely.  It's given me a lot of insight as to what I want out of my life and what my ultimate (read: overreaching, big-picture, whole-life) goals are.  I'm not sure of the specifics or how to get there, but I know the life I want - the love, the freedom, the creativity, the exploration, the balance, and the joy that I will have, no matter what the job, the home, the city or the relationship look like.  Now is the time to take those dreams that are starting to come into focus and pursue them, even if that pursuit takes me down a few dead ends; it's time for action.

I will purposefully seek out ways to bring more of the things I want into my life.  I will live with purposeful intention & not just let days pass me by.  I will trust that as long as I'm living with my purpose in mind, "failure" is ok & there are no wrong choices, only avenues that lead to other avenues toward my goals.  It is the year for clarity and purposeful, joyful action.

What are your words for 2010 & 2011?  Feel free to tell me in the comments or link to your Reverb blog post.  I'd really love to hear.

Today I am so grateful & happy for reflection & self-awareness.

xo! n.

[awesome quote source]

Inspiration Strikes

I sit at my desk, blinds open behind me letting the sun cast a zebra glare on my computer monitor, but I'd rather have that than the florescents on.  It makes me feel a little more human to see the sunshine.

I'm learning about purchase orders after a slow morning spent perusing my favorite blogs, and the girl training me stops for a lengthy phone call.  I look down at my pad of paper and doodle:

I write, "finish Stratejoy post" and "charge ipod" and then...  "brainstorm"

I don't know why, it just comes out of my pen, all on its own.  And next comes:

And I look at that sentence and I have a slow trickle of an epiphany.  It isn't the lightning bolt kind, it isn't noticeable to my co-worker next to me, still on the phone.  It's like a slow leak from a balloon - no, not that, that makes the balloon smaller - it's like a tiny little waterfall that only happens after a heavy rain & that you only notice as you hike by if you're really in tune with what's around you and not preoccupied with thoughts or focused on a goal.  You only notice it if you're enjoying your hike.

The trickle of inspiration pools ink on paper and somehow forms words, words that make me smile, words that keep arranging themselves as they steadily drip-drip-drip out.  And those words form an idea, a good idea that feels possible and achievable.  Fun, even.  My co-worker hangs up the phone and training begins again; as I listen, I sit with the warming knowledge of my lovely new secret.

It may not happen as I imagine it; it may not happen at all.  I might change my mind tomorrow.  But today creative inspiration found me, and I opened up the part of my brain that is hopeful, imaginative, focused.  Today I took one step toward my big dream life.

Today I am so grateful and happy for:
~ unexpected epiphanies
~ being still & letting creativity flow
~ knowing what I need

xo!  n.

Say What You Need to Say

Sometimes things build up inside you - thoughts and feelings multiply, expand until they're too big, too out of control for words or to make sense of - and then suddenly you have the chance to speak, and all those feelings rush to be expressed, getting jammed somewhere between your brain, your heart and your mouth.  And your words are jumbled, and you're too choked up to speak clearly, but somehow, you say it.

And it feels so good.

 

Today I am grateful and happy for learning how to just say it.

xo,  n.

[photo source]

Without a sign, without a clue.

It's the day before Halloween and it is GORGEOUS.  It's cool and clear; it poured last night so the sky is blue with no haze, only happy little clouds, and the trees around my house are bright green & shiny like they're smiling.  All my clothes are in the laundry so I'm sitting outside in my pjs letting the beauty of the day soak into me.

As y'all probably know from my recent Stratejoy post (I've been terrible about linking to them, but you can find them all here, or by clicking the Stratejoy box on my sidebar, if you're interested), I have had a lot on my mind recently.  I feel like everyone's asking me for a decision and that decision will determine the course of the rest of my life (big booming voice - echo, echo, echo...)

I realize that's silly because I can always make a new decision, change my mind, go in a different direction, but I'm still feeling that pressure.  And weirdly, the only place that is offering up reasons to be there is the one place I had decided not to be.  Los Angeles.  Oh you devious Angel city...

You know that saying, "when you love something let it go & if it comes back to you, it's meant to be"?  If you've really let something go but it just keeps finding it's way back into your life, and no matter how many times you shy away from it, it slides up beside you and gives you new reasons to love it again - is that a sign?  Is there such thing as a sign, or is it just something we tell ourselves to take the pressure off of making a decision?  What if all that happens but your gut still stays silent?  Is it waiting for the right moment to flare up in positive or negative response, or is ambivalence the same as indifference the same as a big fat NO?

Sigh.  Anyway, I've been working A LOT, which is really great for my paycheck, not so great for my psyche.  I can't even tell you how amazing it feels to know I have money in my account and money coming in - especially overtime & double-time money.  How, after a whole year of not working steadily - a one month job in Australia & then random bartending jobs the rest of the time - it is incredible to me to buy food somewhere other than the 99cent store.  But, then again, I haven't had a job with these kind of hours for about two years - even during my last year at the accounting firm before Australia I was only working 20hrs a week - and I've gotten out of practice.  It is exhausting.

I don't do well when I'm tired.  I'm generally an easy-to-get-along-with person, but I'm a bitch for two reasons: I'm hungry or I'm tired.  Little things feel like big things, problems seem to have no solutions, and my brain gets stuck on repeat with thoughts I don't want or need to have.  So maybe that's part of this whole "I need to make a decision" dilemma.  I'm probably blowing it out of proportion.  ("oh little one..." haha, that's for you, Amanda)

Last night was the best night's sleep I've gotten in 3 weeks (besides all the weird anxiety dreams) and I'm going to let it do for my brain what the rain did for LA - wash it clean, give it brightness & clarity.  I'm wandering but I'm not lost, I'm undecided but I'm not confused, I'm uprooted but patient.

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ a comfortable bed in a comforting room
~ calm
~ money coming in
~ Halloween plans

xo! n.

[photo source]

In with the popular kids

Last night I took a chance and went to a Hollywood philosophy club meeting.  I didn't know anyone there; I was invited by a guy I met for about 5 minutes on set.  I've been terrible the past few years about going out to things alone - if no one will come with me, I usually make up some excuse for not going.  I know, it's terrible.  But since I've recently decided I have nothing to lose in LA and am trying to live fully and say YES to opportunities, I went with an open mind.

At first, I felt like I was 16 again, tagging along to a "cool kids" party.  Everyone was so stylish and Hollywood and skinny.  They all knew each other.  I was reminded of the high school kid I used to be, who shopped at thrift stores to have a style of her own so she wouldn't be compared to the popular girls and protected herself from rejection with dry humor.  I was sitting there, self-concious, in her figurative Doc Martens again.

And then I remembered that I'm NOT that girl.  I'm a woman who has lived and loved and made friends all over the world, and I'm good with who I am.  I may not be LA-perfect, but I have a lot to offer.  And so I smiled, and I introduced myself, and I made conversation, and I was comfortable and I made friends.  And, as usual, everyone was really nice and I had a great time.

Sometimes I just need to have a little more faith in myself.

Today I am so grateful and happy for:
~ new friends
~ owning who I am
~ saying yes with an open mind

xo! n.

 [photo source]

My True Hollywood Story

I asked for the strength to trust.  I asked for the Universe to make it clear.  I asked for life to be better than I can imagine.  I got what I asked for.

Arriving on set Friday, I was led to my trailer - yes, my own trailer with my character name on the door, a full couch, microwave, TV, DVD player, refrigerator, vanity, and full bathroom with a shower.  As the AD closed the door, saying "I'll be back in a few minutes to take you to hair and makeup," I had a silent freak out, mouthing OH MY GOD and jumping up and down as quietly as possible, giggling uncontrollably.  I am here.  I am actually here.

I went to hair and makeup, meeting the awesome ladies there, talking and silently going over my sides while in the chair.  Then to rehearsal where I met the male lead and the director - somehow not feeling the butterflies I'd expected, somehow feeling calm and confident.  We set my marks & then it was lunch, touch-ups in hair & makeup, and getting into costume.  I took advantage of the floor space & full-length mirror in my trailer, practicing my lines & setting my own marks for the props I had to use, until I felt comfortable.  Then to set, where of course it's "hurry up and wait."  I sat in the director's chairs marked "cast" and made friends with everyone who came by.  I was just loving being there.

NOT where we were filming {source}

We started filming with the end of my scene.  I got two more lines.  After a couple takes, in the interim, the director came up to me and said (paraphrased):  "Can I be honest with you?"
Me (nervous, but smiling): "Please do."
     "You are the only person in this cast that I did not handpick.  You are the only wild card.  This is my life; making movies is my passion, and this is a good movie.  You're in a good movie, do you know that?"
     "Yes.  And I'm so happy to be here."
     "Well I've been watching you, and... you're talented.  You're doing good work.  So keep it up."
     "Thank you.  I will."  And then I fainted. 
No, just kidding.  But after the next take, I did, off-camera & away from everyone, do a silent little happy dance.  And I realized in that moment this is where I'm meant to be.  I can do this.  I'm good at this.  And I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

We filmed all day.  I spent a lot of time talking to the other actors, the two leads, who were friendly and interesting and treated me completely as an equal.  By the time we got to the bulk of my lines, it was 1am and everyone was exhausted - no one had patience for the new girl, the "wild card" to mess around with multiple takes of the scene.  This was it - my trial by fire.  I had to hit it.  Without getting into too much technical detail, I was put into a relatively complicated setup involving multiple marks.  A few years ago, I might not've been able to handle it & they'd have had to do lots of takes or break the scene down into smaller, more manageable pieces.

The pressure was on.  I wasn't even nervous.  I hit all my marks, took my direction, and we only had to do 4 takes.  I killed it.  Drove home that night buzzing with adrenaline and unable to shake that feeling, that quiet, insistent voice in my head: this is what I've worked my whole life for.  This is what I should be doing.

 A film set, NOT our set.  {source}

Production had the weekend off.  I was back on set bright and early Monday morning, greeting everyone with a smile and getting smiles in return.  I walked on set for rehearsal and got a huge hug from the director.  During some of the plentiful downtime, chatting with the male lead, he suddenly turned to me and said, "you were really good on Friday.  Really good work.  It was remarked on multiple times by multiple people."  All I could choke out through my all-consuming smile was a shaky "thank you."


Later, I met one of the producers, who is the main reason I'm even in the film.  He insisted the set photographer get a picture of us together and we had a nice long chat.  He's the only one who knows I was planning to leave LA & he just looked at me and quietly said, "I hear you're doing a good job; I think you'd better stay."  At lunch, he and one of the other producers invited me to sit with them and told me they want to arrange a meeting for me with a big casting director; they want her to meet me.  I sputtered out, "that would be amazing, thank you."  Then the director sat down & asked me about myself.  I told him, we reminisced about the Southeast, and then he told me, very seriously, "I don't bother with untalented people.  You are talented.  And on top of that, you have a great attitude.  I want to keep in touch when this is over."  Is there a better complement in this town?  I don't think so.

Back on set, we filmed, I ran back and forth as my nervous secretary character, and lost a shoe at one point, which is my only chance at the blooper reel.  The director introduced me to a lot of the people on set and "psssss"d me over during filming to watch the monitor.  The film looks beautiful.

At the end of the day, the director gave me his contact information and a big hug, and I floated away thinking, if I had imagined this day, I would have giggled at myself because it's just too much good stuff to happen at once.  But it did happen.  And I was ready for it.

People say, "luck is when preparation meets opportunity."  I am at that intersection and I am infinitely lucky to be here.  All the years of classes and feeling like I was throwing money away have paid off in this moment.  Even if nothing else ever comes of it, I did this film and I did it well.  I have that to be proud of.


So, I might not be moving away just yet after all.  Maybe I just needed to realize that I don't need this in order to fully accept it.  Maybe I will stop planning and just see where this goes.  Los Angeles, you've made a hell of a convincing argument...

 L.A. on a great day.  {source}

Today I am just so dang happy and grateful.

xo! n.

we need to talk...

Oh Los Angeles, why do you taunt me so?

You gave me a terrible, sweaty, bumper-to-bumper afternoon, wherein you reminded me oh so clearly why I hate you, and why I want to leave.  You took the form of the rudest human alive and denied me parking, evoking memories of many, many times past where, similarly, I've driven a very long way, sharing the road with people who are either drunk or "special" or too busy on their iphones to bother holding the steering wheel, only to find that for some reason, I can't do what I came there to do, and therefore have to turn around and sit still in a running car for hours all over again.  I want to punch you in your eyeball.  (would that be the Griffith Observatory?)

But then you turned around and gave me that million-dollar smile of yours, with your crooked Hollywood-sign teeth, and presented me with a sunset picnic bordered by nubby-blanket mountains and no mosquitoes.  You lured me with an outdoor amphitheater and well-done, real, funny Shakespeare - you know that gets me every time! - and a group of artists that are unpretentious and talented.  You gave me a perfect evening and wrapped me up in those movie-deal, concerts-at-the-bowl, everyone's-creative arms of yours, and I just want to kiss you on the mouth.  (would that be Ryan Seacrest? ugh.)

Let me go or let me love you, LA; I just can't do this friends with benefits thing anymore.

xo, n.

Fearless.

Yesterday I made a big step toward conquering an old fear.

Since I was a kid, I've sung in choirs, but I've never never sung a solo.  In middle school I auditioned for "Oklahoma" - I said, "I'm an alto" and then opened my mouth & the highest, beyond soprano, quavering,  most terrified voice came out and embarrassed everyone in the room.  Later, my college boyfriend and his roommates (Teeter & Chick, funnily enough) were recording a Christmas album and he offered for me to sing one song on it.  I had a breakdown.  I cried, I cussed, I freaked out.  I didn't want to listen to my own voice and I didn't like the sound coming out of me or the nervous cold sweat I broke out into.  Even though it turned out ok,  I made them promise to not include it on the regular CD, only a special "gold edition," and every Christmas when my parents put it on, I get red & flustered and anxious.

Despite all that, I LOVE music and I've always said that one thing on my life list is: Perform a solo song for an audience.  And be confident about it.  Get over this dang stupid fear.

Last night, at our Side Work meeting (for those of you that don't know, Side Work is an artists collective & one of the things I'm most proud of in my life - you can read about it here) I announced that in our next show, I might want to sing.  And then, at their urging, despite stomach churning & sweaty brow, I sang.  And we had an impromptu jam session with Jamey & Johnny picking up instruments & Teeter using a bag of chips as maracas.

And it was awesome.

 I want to perform with the confidence & style of Jenny Lewis  [source]

In a couple of weeks, I'm going to sing in front of a lot of people.  Some friends, some strangers.  I'm going to dance and sing and enjoy it, and I'm going to put this fear to rest.  I'm going to cross it off my list.  Who's with me?  What fear can you conquer in June?

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ support
~ being ready
~ inspiration

xo! n.

Temporarily Out of Order

Sorry I've been missing for the past 10 days - wow, has it been that long?  I've been super busy making money, which is definitely a good thing, although exhausting.  I worked sixteen hours the other day!

I've been working on the Warner Brothers Studio lot, helping with production of some big events during their International Week.  I've been doing everything from placing/decorating buffets to working with security to make sure only those on the guest list have access, to golf-carting executives around the studio, to making sure the event photographers get the money shots.  A leg up from PA work, technically logistics, basically an assistant stage manager.  And as stressful as it is, I've actually really enjoyed it.  Events, especially those of this scale (BIG budget) are just like theatre & as crew, you operate the same way.  I love it.  Maybe after I travel the world working arts festivals, I'll go into SMing events... (Chick, are you listening...?)

Though my feet sure are tired.

weheartit.com

It was an amazing event.  There were parades, shirtless cowboys serving shots, a jug band & can-can dancers on the back of a pickup truck, aerialists, fire-eaters, a burlesque show, a ferris wheel and merry-go-round, costumed performers interacting with the guests, fireworks and little person bartenders.  Definitely the coolest event I've ever been to, let alone been a part of.  Unfortunately, since I was working, I couldn't get any pictures.  Waaa waaahhhh...

Not much else is going on.  My friend Loz from Australia is coming to stay with me for a week starting Monday, so that will be awesome.  Until then... sleep.

oh and ps - speaking of, the memorial day fair is setting up in the park outside our house!  It comes every year at this time but we always forget about it & therefore are always surprised when we see the carnival lights flashing above the trees...

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ overtime
~ free food
~ being part of an incredible event
~ a purring kitten on my lap

xo! n.

Commencement

New Escape Hatcher post up!

Are you facing an ending?  Losing a job, leaving a city, breaking up, saying goodbye?  Me too. 
In there somewhere, there's a reason to celebrate...

from weheartit.com

Read here to see how I'm finding the beginnings in my endings.

xo! n.

feelin' groovy

Lately, I've been feeling down.  I don't know if it's because I am back to "ordinary" life, because I don't really have a job & wake up every morning without much of a purpose, or because I don't really have a plan & figuring that out feels completely overwhelming.  Maybe it's because I'm living in a house with 2 other girls again & have killer PMS.  Maybe it's E: All of the above.

But today I woke up to a friend's phone call, a happy dream melting into awareness, a blue sky sunshine morning, and Chick's laughter.  And from that joyful place, possibilities started a-brewin.

I don't think I'm ready to outline a plan here yet - knowing me, it'll change a million times before it happens - but let's just say it involves theatre, the one thing I've always loved & the one thing I know, and it involves road trips, and it involves a big blowout around-the-world trip of a celebration.  It even involves a possible long-term plan, which I haven't had in a long time.

I'm open to ideas changing, but it feels really nice to have a place to start from, a plan to get excited about and motivated in.  This is going to be the best decade ever.

 from weheartit.com

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ letting my brain sit with a "problem" - it takes some time but damn it comes up with some creative solutions!
~ things to look forward to
~ spring flowers

xo! n.

Sea Lions and Dolphins and Kelp, oh my!

Dava and me after our first day of ocean diving!

i have now dived 3 ocean dives - and survived! got up at 4:45am yesterday morning to catch a sunfish full of fabulous gay men (and a few women) at the Channel Islands marina in Ventura County, CA at 6:30am. i was so nervous, i couldn't eat my luna bar, and i was so scared of being late that i didn't have any coffee. i wasn't late, and seeing my scuba buddy Dava and our instructor Buck made me a little calmer so i could choke down a few sips of coffee. unfortunately, the waves were crazy on the way out to Anacapa Island, and weeeell... i got a bit seasick. i didn't expect it at all! Dava loaned me her accupressure wristbands, i sat outside & stared at the horizon, and i felt better. got my wetsuit on, we dropped anchor, and whoops - i threw up. the divemaster gave me some ginger & that helped settle my stomach; i know it was mostly nerves and only partially angry waves, but still, i'll keep ginger & accupressure in mind for future...

ready or not, it was time for our first dive. we descended along the anchor line & i had some trouble with my buoyancy; i couldn't get myself to descend & kept hitting my head on the boat. Buck had to help pull me down, but once i got to the bottom, i was surprised that i had successfully equalized my ears & felt ok. overwhelmed but ok. we were on a sandy bottom, with small sections of reef and a few tall kelp strands around us, and to the side, we could see a big group of sea lions diving down & playing with some of the other divers. there was so much to see and to remember to do! even though i'd been fine in the pool, my brain suddenly realized i was breathing underwater & kind of freaked out like, this isn't supposed to be happening! but i stayed calm and did my skills tests and then we started swimming over the reefs and through the kelp. i kept bumping the bottom so i thought my buoyancy wasn't quite right - i saw d. put some air in her BCD (the vest you wear) and i thought oh - good idea! bad idea. apparently my buoyancy was fine, and the little bit of air i added took me high enough that it started to expand & then expand more, and before i knew it i was shooting up to the surface. shit! thank God we were only in 30ft of water! once i surfaced, my ears were hurting from not taking the time to equalize, and i couldn't get myself back down; again, buck had to pull me down. as we were descending, my left ear refused to equalize and we had to cut the dive short & swim back to the boat.

starfish on the reef (pic by one of the other divers)

i felt so bad for making such a stupid mistake - i know better than that! i kept apologizing to buck & d. but they both said it was ok; d. even said she'd been getting kind of freaked out so was ok with ending the dive. buck said it's a common mistake & it's no big deal. he gave me a sudafed for my left ear & as the boat pulled around for our next dive, d. & i both sat in silence, feeling sicker than before (if that's even possible), both secretly wondering if maybe we're not cut out to be divers after all...

but i'm no quitter, and when we anchored at the second dive site, i told myself you're doing this. stepped off the boat into the cold water. this time, i managed to control my breathing enough to descend without help, and i paused every minute to equalize and my ears were fine. yay! we did our skills tests & weirdly enough, i had trouble with the mask clear - i kept trying to breathe through my nose & then i kept burping - note to self: maybe diet coke isn't the best beverage choice before a dive. but i cleared my mask successfully & buck said from that point on i didn't stop smiling. i don't know how he could tell, but he was right...

the second dive was INCREDIBLE. i felt comfortable, kept an eye on my buoyancy, and there was so much to see that at every turn someone was pointing out something amazing. we saw all kinds of foliage on the reef - purple spiny things & pink flowery things - and big rectangular half grey & half pink sheephead fish, and little schools of colored fish, and little translucent fish with big black eyes peeking out of the rocks. we saw so many starfish - bright orange/red starfish on the rocks and light yellow starfish hiding & moving in the sand. it was beautiful. then the sea lions joined us! a few of them loop-de-looped down around us playfully, and one of them got so close to me i could've touched it. she was swimming right next to me; she wanted to play. it was amazing. we watched one go down to the bottom & it looked like he was performing for us - rolling in the sand and swirling back up to the surface - i felt like i was watching a disney movie, but it was real & i was really there, breathing underwater. beautiful.

my sea lion friend (pic by one of the other divers)

after that dive, d. & i were in high spirits. our fear & worry from before had vanished and we were both practically giddy from what we'd just experienced. we ate - finally - and couldn't stop talking about what we'd seen as the boat pulled into place for our third dive. the more experienced divers said they were impressed with us; there was a bit of a current during our second dive & apparently we handled it well.

time for dive number three - i was tired but still feeling good. i descended like a pro - i'm actually proud of myself because the anchor line cut right through a "tree" of kelp so as we descended we got a little tangled in the kelp, but i stayed calm & made it to the bottom (49 ft - our deepest dive!) with no problem. this terrain was different, and it scared me a little - the ocean floor was rocky with large purple leaves waving from every crevice, and we were in the middle of a kelp forest with stalks reaching 50 ft to the surface & "branches" entwined. also, there was more of a current than on the last dive, and visibility wasn't very good, so i struggled a little to navigate over the rocks & around the kelp. and for some reason, my mask decided it was going to start leaking suddenly, and despite buck trying to tighten it for me, i just kept having to expend air & energy clearing it. thank God we practiced that so i wasn't freaked out by it. i'm also proud of myself for controlling my buoyancy - we kept swimming over rocks (shallower) and then into valleys (deeper) and as we went shallower, the air in my bcd would expand & i would feel myself floating so i'd sit still & exhale deflate my bcd & sink back down into the valley - i did that over and over. i'm sure as i get more experienced, i'll be able to control that more with my breath & less with my bcd, but i'm proud that i got the hang of it enough to keep myself in the dive. with all of that going on, i missed out on a bit of the scenery, but i did notice some BIG bright yellow/orange fish, one big scary grey fish with super sharp-looking teeth, and some fat green slug-looking things on the bottom. the kelp forest really was beautiful; i'd like to go back and dive it again when i'm more experienced so i can appreciate it more.

L to R: Buck, Dava & I, practicing "kelp crawl"

i was exhausted after that last dive, and i had a calf cramp, but luckily it was our last dive of the day. rinsed off, dried off, took our gear apart, and relaxed with a beer to chat with our new diver friends. as we were cruising back to the marina, there were three schools of dolphins swimming toward the side of the boat - they were jumping out of the water & doing flips! they followed our wake for a little while; it was so amazing. i looked at d. and said, "i love my life," and we cheers'd.

we did it. i survived & i loved it. just one more dive and i'm a PADI certified diver! more pictures to come soon...