Drum roll please...

It's official!  The Grateful Sparrow has a new home!

is your go-to place for daily inspiration and a community of 

joyful living.

I want to help you love the life you live and live a life you love.  I'm not talking about fake smiles and forced cheer, I'm talking about honesty and change and opening your eyes to the world around you and all that life has to offer.  I want to share my joys and my struggles with you, and I want you to share yours with me.  Let's inspire each other.

Check it out and let me know what you think!

Today I am so happy and grateful for this exciting new adventure.  

xo xo xo xo!  n.

Under Construction.

I know I have been absent a lot lately, but it's because I've got something exciting up my sleeve.

I'm creating a new & improved Grateful Sparrow site at a new home, and you're all invited!

It's set to launch next week, so I've got A LOT to get done; please bear with me and keep an eye out for the official announcement & link...  (might be announced on an affiliate site mid-week... hint hint...)

I'm super super excited about this; I hope y'all like it too!

Today I am so grateful & happy for big ideas and making them happen!!!

xo! n.

Heart a Flutter Friday - I'm a Fan

Dudes!  This week has just flown by!!  I can't believe it's already Friday.  I'm not complaining; I get a 3 day weekend!  Sorry for the sparse posting; it's just been one of those weeks (in a good way).
Today I want to feature the work of an artist I've been watching.  I'm totally in love with her creatures & have every intention of adopting some of them to fill my home with happy chatter.  I hope you love them as much as I do!

Peaceful

Pink Worm Listens to Some Jams

Everything Wonderful Happens Here

 Dubious Orange Kitty

Tiny Village

We Are Intellectuals

You're Doing Everything Right

High Tide

 

And this one is from me to you:

Things I'm Thankful For 

If you like what you see here, you can find much more in her Etsy shop and on her blog.  It's adorable and totally affordable!

Today I am so grateful & happy for:

~ all of y'alls awesome comments on Potential!  Thanks!

~ a 3-day weekend to look forward to!

~ totally rad mixed CDS

xo!  n.

What is love?

Is it heart-pounding, spine-tingling, butterflies & stammering; craving someone like an insatiable hunger in the pit of your stomach?

Is it wanting to curl up inside someone, closer than skin, so deeply that they become a part of you and their actions are an extension of your own?

Is it trusting someone with your only, fragile heart, taking walls down block by block and being honest, no matter how hard or how many times you've been hurt?

Is it comfort, feeling accepted as your real full self, warm fuzzies and a soft feeling of prevailing happiness?

Is it laughing with someone, feeling they enrich every experience & simply just wanting them around?

Does it hit you like a lightning bolt, scorching, or does it creep up and around you like a slow-growing vine?

Is there a right person or just a right time?

...don't go getting your panties in a twist, I'm not in love, I've just been thinking about it a lot.  It's the holidays, there are engagement ring commercials all over the dang place, and I'm remembering the last (and only) time I was in love, how dramatic it was, and wondering if I will ever feel like that again or if the next time will be completely different...

What do you think?  Is love the Aha! moment it's depicted as in movies?  Or is is an ebb and flow of feelings?  Those of you in love, did you just know or did it grow over time?  I'm in a listening mood, tell me your story!

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ a fat soft kitty
~ coooooooold Christmas weather
~ talking about the elephant  ;)

xo! n.

[photo from weheartit]

A Portrait

I step out of the house in too-big boots that clack on cement and crunch golden leaves as my feet slide inside, skinny jeans (I've succumbed) tucked snugly in.  A woven hat that perches back on my head drooping like a wooly empty pillowcase hides my still-wet hair.  The dark green courdoury blazer and gold pashmina tied as a scarf that've become my winter uniform hide whatever possibly cute, probably bummy shirt I've chosen for the day.  A faded purse weighs my shoulder; I carry my coffee in one hand, keys in the other.  My neighborhood is alive but always quiet; it is sleepy and still as I cross the street to my beat-up car, in which I sit, waiting for the engine and my hands to warm.  It's 50 degrees and I'm pathetically freezing.

This is winter nikki.

Today I am so grateful & happy for:
~ finding flavored coffee creamer (the little ones from a gas station) in my desk - I'd forgotten about them!
~ fresh, free sushi lunch
~ a yummy-smelling soy candle in my office

xo! n.

[photo source]

Out of place, out of time

Today's been an odd day.

All day long, I've been feeling like I'm somewhere else.  Not like I should be somewhere or like my mind is somewhere in daydreams, but actually thinking I'm in a different physical place than I actually am.  On the way to work, my senses told me it was 61 and sunny, California winter, but I caught myself actually believing there was snow on the ground and for a second thought I was driving to my Grandma's house in Virginia.  After work, at the grocery store, I got the very distinct feeling that I was in Tesco's in London, quietly foreign.

It's the feeling you get when you're drifting off to sleep, not knowing yet that you're asleep, and you feel the unmistakable sensation of falling, just for a fraction of a second, just enough to set your heart pounding, before you jerk awake, suddenly, strangely, fully aware of your mattress and sheets and very alive body.

Maybe it's a premonition or its less frightening and more stubborn father, a memory.  Maybe it's a wrinkle in time and I'm feeling the lives of my other selves.  Maybe it's just early onset dementia.

Whatever it is, it's made for an oddly dreamlike day.  Have you ever felt inexplicably out-of-reality?

I am so happy and grateful for:
~ homemade vegan cookies (thanks, Sally!)
~ phone calls with momma
~ imagination

xo!  n.

[photo source]

The stillness is the move

Last night, in the middle of yoga, downward dog to be exact, I had a beautiful moment of clarity.  One that shook me from my core, literally; I laughed as tears streamed down (or up, I was upside-down) my face.  No doubt it was brought about by my heart-opening yoga practice, but what really resonated with me was this song:


If you're not a fan of indie music, don't listen to it for its sound and feel free to ignore the super odd video - but pay attention to what they're saying.

I've always thought of this as a love song about a couple, "after all that we've been through, I know that I will always love you," but in that moment, focused on the simple act of breathing and bending, I suddenly and completely knew - it is a love song, but it's not to someone else - it's love of self.

"there is nothing we can't do
I'll see you along the way baby
the stillness is the move"

I've been beating myself up with questions and second-guessing, but it's not necessary.  It will all come in time.  I will be kind to myself and be still.  It's my move.

I am so grateful and happy for:

~ yoga endorphins

~ Lindsey's advice to get moving

~ receptiveness

xo! n.

Inspiration Strikes

I sit at my desk, blinds open behind me letting the sun cast a zebra glare on my computer monitor, but I'd rather have that than the florescents on.  It makes me feel a little more human to see the sunshine.

I'm learning about purchase orders after a slow morning spent perusing my favorite blogs, and the girl training me stops for a lengthy phone call.  I look down at my pad of paper and doodle:

I write, "finish Stratejoy post" and "charge ipod" and then...  "brainstorm"

I don't know why, it just comes out of my pen, all on its own.  And next comes:

And I look at that sentence and I have a slow trickle of an epiphany.  It isn't the lightning bolt kind, it isn't noticeable to my co-worker next to me, still on the phone.  It's like a slow leak from a balloon - no, not that, that makes the balloon smaller - it's like a tiny little waterfall that only happens after a heavy rain & that you only notice as you hike by if you're really in tune with what's around you and not preoccupied with thoughts or focused on a goal.  You only notice it if you're enjoying your hike.

The trickle of inspiration pools ink on paper and somehow forms words, words that make me smile, words that keep arranging themselves as they steadily drip-drip-drip out.  And those words form an idea, a good idea that feels possible and achievable.  Fun, even.  My co-worker hangs up the phone and training begins again; as I listen, I sit with the warming knowledge of my lovely new secret.

It may not happen as I imagine it; it may not happen at all.  I might change my mind tomorrow.  But today creative inspiration found me, and I opened up the part of my brain that is hopeful, imaginative, focused.  Today I took one step toward my big dream life.

Today I am so grateful and happy for:
~ unexpected epiphanies
~ being still & letting creativity flow
~ knowing what I need

xo!  n.

Say What You Need to Say

Sometimes things build up inside you - thoughts and feelings multiply, expand until they're too big, too out of control for words or to make sense of - and then suddenly you have the chance to speak, and all those feelings rush to be expressed, getting jammed somewhere between your brain, your heart and your mouth.  And your words are jumbled, and you're too choked up to speak clearly, but somehow, you say it.

And it feels so good.

 

Today I am grateful and happy for learning how to just say it.

xo,  n.

[photo source]

The Unexpected Strikes Again

I wonder, sometimes, if serendipitous things should be taken as signs or if they're just good things that happen, either because I put good thoughts out there or just out of luck.

The other day, my mom went to get her hair cut and I tagged along because we were going to go straight from there to the downtown DC adventure I already told you about.  She went into the salon and I walked across the street for a coffee, then wandered around the area, looking at houses and kids playing across the street, nothing in particular on my mind.  As I rounded the corner, I noticed a sign:

My mom had been telling me about this community theatre, and the extraordinary quality of shows they produce, for a couple years now.  In fact, we'd been planning to see their matinee the next day.  So I paused at the locked front door and looked at their seasons brochure.  As I was turning to leave, a woman walked up to the doors; we exchanged hellos as she unlocked the theatre, and then she said, "you should come see 'Nude With Violin' tonight, it's opening night."
        "I'm coming to the matinee tomorrow, actually.  I've never seen a show here before; I'm visiting my mom from LA and she's always telling me about your shows.  I'm an actor."
        "Oh, really?  Well, would you like to come in and take a look around?"

Ok, so maybe I used the actor card, but it was in the spirit of friendliness, of solidarity, and it certainly opened some doors... literally.  She took me into the closed, empty theatre, and over a conversation about everything from, I worked at the Dock Street Theatre (she's from Charleston!) to the quality of theatre in LA (generally poor) to how hard it is to live far from family, she gave me a private tour of the entire building.  I stood in the wings, walked the detailed set, inhaled the sawdust in the shop, perused gobos and fresnels, admired the green room and paced the rehearsal space.

[source]

It is a beautiful, clean, obviously well-funded theatre.  I was REALLY impressed.

I thanked her for her time, and as I turned to leave, she said, "If you end up coming back to Alexandria, please consider working with us."  I said I would and I meant it.

When I met back up with my mom and told her what had just happened and who I'd met, she said, "Nikki... she's a producer; she produces a good number of their shows.  You probably met the best person you could possibly meet at that theatre."

Well, well, well.  Universe, you got me again.

The next day, we saw their current show and it was remarkably well done.  The set and costumes were gorgeous, lighting and sound on par, the acting was solid with a couple stand-outs, and the direction was flawless, handling the challenges of many characters onstage at a time and a static set with creativity and intelligence.  There wasn't one element that stood out as being "community theatre" bad; in fact, if you'd told me it was a professional show, I'd have easily believed you.  Oh and the audience, for a Sunday matinee, was packed - probably 10 empty seats in the 150 seat house - and Mom said it's been at least that full every time she's been.

  A still from "Nude With Violin" [source]

It was as good as, if not better than, most of the professional theatre I've seen.  And trust me, I've seen A LOT.

Which begs the question: even though I've been told since college that I'm a professional actor and community theatre equals "Wating for Guffman"-esque frustrations, is it better to work with a sub-par company just because it's professional, or in a community theatre where the shows always have a good budget, the audience is always full, and the artists are dedicated and talented, despite the lack of pay?

Because I think that if I found a job I enjoyed, I could be really happy doing theatre like that, on the side.  And that's how I started out... interesting how things go full circle...

 Waiting for Guffman (one of my favorite movies of all time... so painfully funny)

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ an open mind
~ good theatre, treated with respect
~ happy accidents

xo! n.

Dating Places

I think Virginia is wooing me.

I've visited family in the DC/Northern Virginia area thousands of times; I know the weather, the people, the history, the sights.  I've never thought of DC as a vacation destination or somewhere particularly remarkable, I mean, I know the President lives there, but so does my Grandma.  We casually reference The Mall as though it were, well, a mall.  This is just a place that my family lives, it's not home, it's not exciting, it holds no draw for me.

But on this trip, I've been seeing things differently.  Maybe it's because I was planning on moving here 2 months ago (in fact, the day I got here would've been the day I moved into my mom's house - weird), before the movie changed my plans.  Maybe it's because my Mom would still like me to move here & is subtly showing me the reasons it would work.  Maybe it's just because I have no plans and am open, without prejudice, to what's in front of me.  Whatever it is, I'm enjoying it.

In fact, all the states can fight over me, like boys at a dance.  I don't mind.

Since I got here, the weather has been perfect.  Gorgeous.  Hot, yes, but not the typical southern wet-wool-blanket humid.  The sky is a clear blue and the lush green trees, a few just starting to turn, shine golden in the setting sun, like in a painting, unreal.  I didn't realize how much I missed the sound of crickets and cicadas until I got to the east coast; it is the underlying symphony in the heat of the day and the gradual cooling of night.  I've seen two hawks, dark against the sky.

My mom lives in Alexandria, steps away (literally) from Old Town.  I have always appreciated Old Town; I love the south's historic port cities, especially when they are well-maintained and have managed to hold onto some individuality and character, as Alexandria has.  Classically painted windowpanes flake in a charming, not dilapidated, way and walkway bricks jumble beneath you forming a once-organized and sometimes treacherous path.  Historic homes lean against each other like drunken comrades, displaying their star-shaped badges of earthquake bolts proudly and flanked by grandfather trees.  This city is old, but very much alive.

  Residential Old Town Alexandria in winter

I always feel like I don't quite fit in here, as, to be honest, I feel most places.  Alexandria, and the parts of DC I am familiar with, has always felt so buttoned-down, serious, Southern in the most drawling, genteel accent sort of way.  Women in pearls and glasses, hair perfectly straightened in flattering yet unimaginative styles.  Men in suits, alternately boisterous and polite, interchangeable in their predictability.  Maybe that's unfair; it's a stereotype for sure, but it is, quite often, true.

So on Saturday, Mom & I decided to explore some new parts of the area, to get a better feel for what must, surely, be a diverse and vibrant city.  We took the metro (a metro!  It always makes me feel like a backpacker in a foreign city and I get a tingle of delight and fear in my stomach) into DC and walked between Dupont Circle, U Street, and Adams Morgan - three neighborhoods that are supposedly younger and more eclectic than the political, touristy side of DC I've always seen.

We visited U Street Corridor first.  It was a thriving center of African-American culture until the 1960s when the assassination of MLK, Jr sent it plummeting into riots and violence.  In the '90s it started to clean up its act, and now its a really lovely area with beautiful Victorian-style houses and bustling shop-lined streets.  Walking just one block off the main street, we passed people of every age and race, families, retirees, even some hipsters!  The houses were solid, some classic brick, some brightly colored, with unusual rooflines and windows and almost impractically-small porches.  Set up in a row, side by side in this urban yet comfortable setting, it reminded me of a TV city; I almost expected Dr. Cliff Huxtable to walk out the door with Theo or Rudy at his side.  I could imagine myself living in an apartment at the top of one of these gabled buildings, walking down my front steps, past the lush front-yard gardens that spill over onto the sidewalk, to one of the locally-owned restaurants for a coffee, or to a junk shop to hunt for treasures.

   U Street houses/shops [source]

Walking, we could barely perceive a difference as U Street turned into Dupont Circle, but gradually, the houses got grander, the architecture more classic, and the streets wider.  Then the circle itself was in front of us, verdant, buzzing; there were people everywhere, laying in the grass, strolling the sidewalks, sitting on benches and around the fountain.  Mom and I sat next to the very talented buskers playing guitar and drums for the crowd and let the sun shine on us and the fountain spray catch us when the wind was just right.  I know it was probably so busy because it was labor day weekend, but sitting there watching people from all walks of life pass - there's a woman taking pictures of her baby, there's a couple holding hands, a man carrying groceries, a woman biking, a group of friends laughing, a toddler dancing his uncertain wobble - I felt like I was in a movie and all these people were extras.  It was just too perfect.

We walked through Embassy Row with its stately houses and flags like tropical birds (it made me sad to notice the Iraqi Embassy was the only one with bars on all the windows) to the Phillips Collection, where we saw famous Renoir, Matisse, and Rothko paintings, and the works of Richard Pousette-Dart, which neither of us had ever seen before but we both really loved.  Then we had an early dinner at an outdoor cafe, enjoying the pulse of the city in the waning evening light.

The last area we explored was Adams Morgan, the most recently gentrified area of the three.  It had a much younger feel; it reminded me a little of Kings Cross in Sydney (but without the hookers); it is definitely the spot for nightclubs and cheap bars, and I thought if I were a backpacker in DC, this is probably where I'd end up staying.

  Adams Morgan [source]

So maybe I was a bit premature, judging the entire area by the small parts of it I'd experienced. Point one to you, city.

I have more to tell you, but it's just too pretty outside.  The early yellowed leaves are drifting past my window like dandelion seeds, and it's probably 90 degrees in the sunshine.  Excuse me while I head to the pool.

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ a pool in the backyard!
~ exploring
~ an open mind
~ momma's company

xo! n.

Euphoria.

This song has gotten a lot of attention lately, but it deserves all of it.  Watch how happy they are singing it!  Let's all open up to even just a little bit of this exuberant joy and love... I swear it's infectious.



I don't feel well today.  I woke up achy and sore throat-y and stuffed up.  I have to get on a plane tomorrow and start my adventure - this is inappropriate!!  So I'm watching things that make me smile, laying on the couch with the fan pointed at me, eating vitamin c and chicken soup and neti potting it up.  I WILL be back to normal tomorrow.

Today I am so grateful and happy for:
~ vitamins
~ joy that's catching
~ the very best friends anyone could ever have
~ the adventure starts tomorrow!

xo! n.

PS - Stratejoy post up!!  My big dreams...  Here.

Ain't Life Grand?

Unpredictable, immeasurable, beautiful and incomprehensible.

I'm going traveling again.  I got a Jet Blue all-you-can-jet pass; it's unlimited flights around the US for the whole month of September for only $500.  I'm subleasing my new room (I know, I just made it a home!), packing a carry-on, and setting out on a new month-long adventure.

I'll be back in LA in October, and if any auditions or anything come up while I'm gone, the pass includes flights to LA, so I can come back.  I found it (thanks, Todd!!) at the exact right moment, and I couldn't think of a single reason NOT to do it.

It is amazing how perfect things can be when you expect nothing and are open to everything.

[source]

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ amazing flight deals
~ friends around the country to visit
~ extra money opportunities
~ trust

xo! n.


PS- new Stratejoy post went up Wednesday - Check it out HERE

Week One

My new place is starting to feel like home.  I wake up to sunshine at 9am, make coffee, run into roommates, laugh, go about my day.  I sit outside on the porch.  I write a lot because there are fewer distractions (I'm not even sure how to turn on the TV!) and my little desk-by-the-window setup is super conducive to creativity.  Dogs barking, yard work, and a distant confused rooster lend a soundtrack to my days.  My roommate & I made persimmon cookies & they taste like Christmas.

fresh-picked lemons with fresh-baked cookies on our porch

Life is good.

Today I am so happy and grateful for:
~ comfort
~ new friends
~ cool weather

xo! n.

PS- my second post is up on Stratejoy!!  Check it out here.

In with the popular kids

Last night I took a chance and went to a Hollywood philosophy club meeting.  I didn't know anyone there; I was invited by a guy I met for about 5 minutes on set.  I've been terrible the past few years about going out to things alone - if no one will come with me, I usually make up some excuse for not going.  I know, it's terrible.  But since I've recently decided I have nothing to lose in LA and am trying to live fully and say YES to opportunities, I went with an open mind.

At first, I felt like I was 16 again, tagging along to a "cool kids" party.  Everyone was so stylish and Hollywood and skinny.  They all knew each other.  I was reminded of the high school kid I used to be, who shopped at thrift stores to have a style of her own so she wouldn't be compared to the popular girls and protected herself from rejection with dry humor.  I was sitting there, self-concious, in her figurative Doc Martens again.

And then I remembered that I'm NOT that girl.  I'm a woman who has lived and loved and made friends all over the world, and I'm good with who I am.  I may not be LA-perfect, but I have a lot to offer.  And so I smiled, and I introduced myself, and I made conversation, and I was comfortable and I made friends.  And, as usual, everyone was really nice and I had a great time.

Sometimes I just need to have a little more faith in myself.

Today I am so grateful and happy for:
~ new friends
~ owning who I am
~ saying yes with an open mind

xo! n.

 [photo source]

My True Hollywood Story

I asked for the strength to trust.  I asked for the Universe to make it clear.  I asked for life to be better than I can imagine.  I got what I asked for.

Arriving on set Friday, I was led to my trailer - yes, my own trailer with my character name on the door, a full couch, microwave, TV, DVD player, refrigerator, vanity, and full bathroom with a shower.  As the AD closed the door, saying "I'll be back in a few minutes to take you to hair and makeup," I had a silent freak out, mouthing OH MY GOD and jumping up and down as quietly as possible, giggling uncontrollably.  I am here.  I am actually here.

I went to hair and makeup, meeting the awesome ladies there, talking and silently going over my sides while in the chair.  Then to rehearsal where I met the male lead and the director - somehow not feeling the butterflies I'd expected, somehow feeling calm and confident.  We set my marks & then it was lunch, touch-ups in hair & makeup, and getting into costume.  I took advantage of the floor space & full-length mirror in my trailer, practicing my lines & setting my own marks for the props I had to use, until I felt comfortable.  Then to set, where of course it's "hurry up and wait."  I sat in the director's chairs marked "cast" and made friends with everyone who came by.  I was just loving being there.

NOT where we were filming {source}

We started filming with the end of my scene.  I got two more lines.  After a couple takes, in the interim, the director came up to me and said (paraphrased):  "Can I be honest with you?"
Me (nervous, but smiling): "Please do."
     "You are the only person in this cast that I did not handpick.  You are the only wild card.  This is my life; making movies is my passion, and this is a good movie.  You're in a good movie, do you know that?"
     "Yes.  And I'm so happy to be here."
     "Well I've been watching you, and... you're talented.  You're doing good work.  So keep it up."
     "Thank you.  I will."  And then I fainted. 
No, just kidding.  But after the next take, I did, off-camera & away from everyone, do a silent little happy dance.  And I realized in that moment this is where I'm meant to be.  I can do this.  I'm good at this.  And I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

We filmed all day.  I spent a lot of time talking to the other actors, the two leads, who were friendly and interesting and treated me completely as an equal.  By the time we got to the bulk of my lines, it was 1am and everyone was exhausted - no one had patience for the new girl, the "wild card" to mess around with multiple takes of the scene.  This was it - my trial by fire.  I had to hit it.  Without getting into too much technical detail, I was put into a relatively complicated setup involving multiple marks.  A few years ago, I might not've been able to handle it & they'd have had to do lots of takes or break the scene down into smaller, more manageable pieces.

The pressure was on.  I wasn't even nervous.  I hit all my marks, took my direction, and we only had to do 4 takes.  I killed it.  Drove home that night buzzing with adrenaline and unable to shake that feeling, that quiet, insistent voice in my head: this is what I've worked my whole life for.  This is what I should be doing.

 A film set, NOT our set.  {source}

Production had the weekend off.  I was back on set bright and early Monday morning, greeting everyone with a smile and getting smiles in return.  I walked on set for rehearsal and got a huge hug from the director.  During some of the plentiful downtime, chatting with the male lead, he suddenly turned to me and said, "you were really good on Friday.  Really good work.  It was remarked on multiple times by multiple people."  All I could choke out through my all-consuming smile was a shaky "thank you."


Later, I met one of the producers, who is the main reason I'm even in the film.  He insisted the set photographer get a picture of us together and we had a nice long chat.  He's the only one who knows I was planning to leave LA & he just looked at me and quietly said, "I hear you're doing a good job; I think you'd better stay."  At lunch, he and one of the other producers invited me to sit with them and told me they want to arrange a meeting for me with a big casting director; they want her to meet me.  I sputtered out, "that would be amazing, thank you."  Then the director sat down & asked me about myself.  I told him, we reminisced about the Southeast, and then he told me, very seriously, "I don't bother with untalented people.  You are talented.  And on top of that, you have a great attitude.  I want to keep in touch when this is over."  Is there a better complement in this town?  I don't think so.

Back on set, we filmed, I ran back and forth as my nervous secretary character, and lost a shoe at one point, which is my only chance at the blooper reel.  The director introduced me to a lot of the people on set and "psssss"d me over during filming to watch the monitor.  The film looks beautiful.

At the end of the day, the director gave me his contact information and a big hug, and I floated away thinking, if I had imagined this day, I would have giggled at myself because it's just too much good stuff to happen at once.  But it did happen.  And I was ready for it.

People say, "luck is when preparation meets opportunity."  I am at that intersection and I am infinitely lucky to be here.  All the years of classes and feeling like I was throwing money away have paid off in this moment.  Even if nothing else ever comes of it, I did this film and I did it well.  I have that to be proud of.


So, I might not be moving away just yet after all.  Maybe I just needed to realize that I don't need this in order to fully accept it.  Maybe I will stop planning and just see where this goes.  Los Angeles, you've made a hell of a convincing argument...

 L.A. on a great day.  {source}

Today I am just so dang happy and grateful.

xo! n.

man oh man.

LA is really making it hard to leave.

I've been back for about a week now, slumber-partying on the couches of my lovely and tolerant friends, puttering about aimlessly like a bored kid on summer vacation.  My scenes in "Atlas" were scheduled to film yesterday and today, but at the last minute were rescheduled for Friday and Saturday so plans have changed yet again.  I am completely and utterly in limbo.  Completely and utterly at the scheduling mercy of an industry I thought I had finally pried myself free from.

And today, after my friend C showed me some of his favorite places in LA - all in the part of LA that is so me, the part I would probably have lived if I'd come to LA on my own - I heard from some friends that they're producing a play & would like me to be involved.  Suddenly I'm thinking of a little house in Eagle Rock with a hammock and garden, in walking distance to coffee houses & vintage shops, doing Shakespeare again and getting a day job with an event or production company.  Suddenly I feel like I've been being melodramatic with all this moving talk and hey, why DO these opportunities keep coming up?  Is the universe trying to tell me something?

 me, on a literal path, thinking of my figurative path ~so philosophical... (taken by C)

But the truth is, I haven't liked who I am in LA.  I don't like the way this city & this industry in this city makes me feel about myself.  I will never be talented enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough... for LA.  And I realize that's my faulty thinking, not a fault of this place, but I don't think it's something that can be easily fixed.

C took me today to an ashram, up in the mountains, overlooking the whole city.  It's hot as hell today but actually quite clear, so we could see the skyline of Los Angeles, almost all the way out to the ocean.  I never dreamed it could smell so delicious, so near the heart of LA, as it does in their garden.  We literally stopped to smell the roses.  At the ashram, there is a well where a famous yogi used to meditate, and you're encouraged to make a wish.  I know you're not supposed to tell your wishes for fear they won't come true, but I'm going to share mine with you...

 me at the ashram, smelling a lotus (taken by C)

I wished for the faith to trust where my life is leading me, and that it will lead me to better things than I could even imagine.  Immediately, I felt a lightness, a calm joy, and I knew everything would be ok.

I don't know where I'm headed and it stresses me out, but I'm trying to just trust and take it day by day.  This is a scary time in my life, and yet, I'm positive I'm one day going to look back on it as one of the most amazing times of my life.  I just gotta appreciate it for what it is.  And trust.

Deeeeeep breath.

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ sundresses on hot days
~ coffee shops with outdoor wifi
~ comfortable couches
~ flowers

xo! n.

Summer Lovin'

My mom and I are on the California coast.  We've driven past America's amber waves of grain as they undulate over mountains to strikingly contrast the western blue sky.  Low, lush acres of spinach fields blur by, and squatty orange trees follow twisting grapevines like old men with arthritic backs.  We chase the Pacific ocean as it endlessly rolls in and out.

Winery after winery beckoned us like the sirens of drunk driving in Paso Robles.  We watched kiteboarders literally fly in San Simeon.  Hearst Castle made us nostagic for times we never lived in, yet assured us of our own good taste.  The cold pacific wind teased my skirt so passing motorists might catch a glimpse of my non-matching panties along the Cambria coast.  San Luis Obispo made us lovesick with the scent of lavender and wary of the kids smoking pot next to us as we picnicked in the park.  The sun caught us as we biked along the beach in Santa Barbara and we went to bed red and itchy, but achy in a good way.  A fourth of july parade cartwheeled and sputtered down the streets of Carpinteria to welcome us to town.  We've window-shopped to appease the nesting birds inside us; we've sat in the sun with glasses of wine and comfortable conversation; we've slept to the freeway's lullaby.  We've spent many hours in the car, under the watchful guard of flagpole-thin palms, leaning slightly to the west as if willing the ocean to speak.

We are dangling our feet off the edge of the world.

 Santa Barbara coast

Today I am so grateful and happy for:
~ mom
~ sun
~ bikes
~ love

xo! n.

we need to talk...

Oh Los Angeles, why do you taunt me so?

You gave me a terrible, sweaty, bumper-to-bumper afternoon, wherein you reminded me oh so clearly why I hate you, and why I want to leave.  You took the form of the rudest human alive and denied me parking, evoking memories of many, many times past where, similarly, I've driven a very long way, sharing the road with people who are either drunk or "special" or too busy on their iphones to bother holding the steering wheel, only to find that for some reason, I can't do what I came there to do, and therefore have to turn around and sit still in a running car for hours all over again.  I want to punch you in your eyeball.  (would that be the Griffith Observatory?)

But then you turned around and gave me that million-dollar smile of yours, with your crooked Hollywood-sign teeth, and presented me with a sunset picnic bordered by nubby-blanket mountains and no mosquitoes.  You lured me with an outdoor amphitheater and well-done, real, funny Shakespeare - you know that gets me every time! - and a group of artists that are unpretentious and talented.  You gave me a perfect evening and wrapped me up in those movie-deal, concerts-at-the-bowl, everyone's-creative arms of yours, and I just want to kiss you on the mouth.  (would that be Ryan Seacrest? ugh.)

Let me go or let me love you, LA; I just can't do this friends with benefits thing anymore.

xo, n.

Just a quick little hi there

Last night we had our second installment of Unstill Life and I sold three more pieces with one special order!  The evening was fantastic & even though I got waaaay more nervous about singing because in this venue we actually had a stage with an audience (and I messed up the lyrics once), I felt really good about my performances.  I even had a couple strangers tell me that they really enjoyed it; one girl even said it was her favorite part of the night!!

 Chick putting final touches on her art display

So that was success.  I am so very proud of us for making this happen.

Tomorrow my momma gets into town and we have to pack up all my stuff so that Jamey can move into my room as planned.  I've had a lot of anxiety about the next month - having my plans change so unexpectedly - BUT they're changing for a good reason so I'm just going to enjoy it.  Since I can't start my road trip yet, Mom & I are going to spend two weeks vacationing and having adventures in California.  Stay tuned to hear all about it...

Today I'm so grateful & happy for:
~ selling art!
~ my amazing fellow Side Work artists
~ momma coming into town

xo! n.