Saturday, October 30, 2010

Without a sign, without a clue.

It's the day before Halloween and it is GORGEOUS.  It's cool and clear; it poured last night so the sky is blue with no haze, only happy little clouds, and the trees around my house are bright green & shiny like they're smiling.  All my clothes are in the laundry so I'm sitting outside in my pjs letting the beauty of the day soak into me.

As y'all probably know from my recent Stratejoy post (I've been terrible about linking to them, but you can find them all here, or by clicking the Stratejoy box on my sidebar, if you're interested), I have had a lot on my mind recently.  I feel like everyone's asking me for a decision and that decision will determine the course of the rest of my life (big booming voice - echo, echo, echo...)

I realize that's silly because I can always make a new decision, change my mind, go in a different direction, but I'm still feeling that pressure.  And weirdly, the only place that is offering up reasons to be there is the one place I had decided not to be.  Los Angeles.  Oh you devious Angel city...

You know that saying, "when you love something let it go & if it comes back to you, it's meant to be"?  If you've really let something go but it just keeps finding it's way back into your life, and no matter how many times you shy away from it, it slides up beside you and gives you new reasons to love it again - is that a sign?  Is there such thing as a sign, or is it just something we tell ourselves to take the pressure off of making a decision?  What if all that happens but your gut still stays silent?  Is it waiting for the right moment to flare up in positive or negative response, or is ambivalence the same as indifference the same as a big fat NO?

Sigh.  Anyway, I've been working A LOT, which is really great for my paycheck, not so great for my psyche.  I can't even tell you how amazing it feels to know I have money in my account and money coming in - especially overtime & double-time money.  How, after a whole year of not working steadily - a one month job in Australia & then random bartending jobs the rest of the time - it is incredible to me to buy food somewhere other than the 99cent store.  But, then again, I haven't had a job with these kind of hours for about two years - even during my last year at the accounting firm before Australia I was only working 20hrs a week - and I've gotten out of practice.  It is exhausting.

I don't do well when I'm tired.  I'm generally an easy-to-get-along-with person, but I'm a bitch for two reasons: I'm hungry or I'm tired.  Little things feel like big things, problems seem to have no solutions, and my brain gets stuck on repeat with thoughts I don't want or need to have.  So maybe that's part of this whole "I need to make a decision" dilemma.  I'm probably blowing it out of proportion.  ("oh little one..." haha, that's for you, Amanda)

Last night was the best night's sleep I've gotten in 3 weeks (besides all the weird anxiety dreams) and I'm going to let it do for my brain what the rain did for LA - wash it clean, give it brightness & clarity.  I'm wandering but I'm not lost, I'm undecided but I'm not confused, I'm uprooted but patient.

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ a comfortable bed in a comforting room
~ calm
~ money coming in
~ Halloween plans

xo! n.

[photo source]


  1. I think doing laundry always makes you feel better.

  2. i feel you on this one, mama.

    I'm doing my best to just LET GO.

    It's hard sometimes...

  3. Meh. If anything, life's taught me that when your gut says nothing, it means "DO NOTHING for the moment." Not "revert to default," but DO NOTHING.

    Either it still needs some more input, or things aren't "ready" or "in place" enough for any forward or backward action.

    In any case, here's hoping for clarity of process and action and what-not.

    Good to hear that replenishing the travel-fund is working out famously.

    Good luck.

    Good luck.


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