Feb. 7: not goodbye

I know I am behind. I know I owe you a recount of the last week. I want to tell you how we got lost on the drive to Noosa, how we drove into a herd of cows & got the truck bogged in Rainbow Beach. I want to tell you about our crappy hostel & amazing dinner in Noosa. About staying with Nicks sister, brother-in-law and baby Jackson, and their beautiful home in Brisbane. I want to tell you about getting drunk with Nicks old friends, the makeshift DJing & wasted-day hangover that ensued. I want to tell you how rain obliterated the city, and how we spent our last night in luxury.

But not now.

Now, I am on the plane back to LA and my face is puffy from crying.

Nick & I had a "fancy" brekkie with mimosas (the waitress asked us what we were celebrating & we said, well, its not exactly a celebration...) and window-shopped Brissie. Then we went back to the hotel, buried ourselves in the back couch of the lobby, and desperately tried to finish the book. We barely made it. It was really good and really sad. I had to stop more than once because I was crying too hard to see the words. Nick didn't laugh, he only said, "oh bub" and held my hand.

I don't really want to talk about the airport. I don't really want to talk about sitting there, holding hands, the weight of a thousand words unsaid, of a thousand questions & possible futures. I don't want to think about the longest hug, letting the entire line go past, the entire plane fill up as I cried into his neck & tried to breathe away the knots in my stomach.

I will tell you that the flight was uneventful, I watched 3 movies & even managed to get a little sleep. The time passed quickly, dream-like. Arriving in LA feels really strange. I breezed through customs at LAX & stepped outside into ...winter. Its winter. Only hours ago I was sweating in a sundress, and now my flip-flops & woven neon anklet seem ridiculously out of place.  I don't think I was ready, or mentally prepared, to come back. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to see friends & family, but ...I don't know ...it doesn't feel like I'm coming home. This city does have a strange pull for me; there's a part of me that loves LA. Its the first place I chose to live, as an adult, without buffer of school or family. It will always have a piece of me, but its not home. I don't know where home is yet.  I don't feel like the adventures over & I don't feel like the Australia chapter is over.

As I boarded the plane, Nick said two things: "remember what you've realized here; don't let yourself go back to settling" and "whatever happens, we both know this is the right step to take. We don't take wrong steps" and he smiled that crooked smile.

Today I am so happy & grateful for:
~ a fantastic road trip
~ great books
~ understanding
~ getting safely to LA

xo! n.